


Ghosting

by zach_stone



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ghosts, Josh comes back from the dead with a fuckin to do list, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-04 20:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5347526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zach_stone/pseuds/zach_stone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when your best friend’s ghost shows up with a bunch of “unfinished business” to complete before he can move on? Well, Chris is about to find out. </p><p>-</p><p>AU, pre-canon, set in fall 2012.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. [prologue] the five stages of grief

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty gang, strap in, because this one is gonna be a lot more chapters than I usually do, if all goes according to plan. 
> 
> SOME WARNINGS: This fic contains lots of discussion of/reference to suicide, given the nature of the story. Josh kills himself, I'm just gonna lay it out right there, because it's in the first paragraph and you should know what you're getting yourself into. This will probably get pretty heavy at times, but I promise there's lots of fun supernatural shenanigans in between. 
> 
> THINGS OF NOTE: This fic takes place in 2012, and everyone is still in high school. (Ages in case u really wanna know: Josh is 18, Chris, Sam, Mike, Emily, and the twins are 17, Ashley, Matt, and Jess are 16).

When the call came in at 5:30 in the morning, Chris felt like his whole world had just collapsed in on itself in the space of two minutes. The first minute was spent trying to process what he’d just heard -- a sobbing Hannah on the other line, the words “Josh” and “suicide” and “hospital,” but no, no that couldn’t be right, he must have misheard. The second minute was when Beth took over the phone, her voice less hysterical but full of a numb kind of truth nevertheless. “Josh is dead.”

And then Chris dropped his phone to the floor as the universe shattered around his ears.

 ---

Over the next few hours, he felt like the five stages of grief were all hitting him at once, clambering for the spotlight. Denial, as he called Josh’s phone two, three, seven times, each time getting nothing but voicemail: “Hey, you’ve reached Josh. Leave a message.” The familiar drawl of his best friend repeated in his ear over and over, and no, he wasn’t dead, he couldn’t be dead. Anger, as he threw his phone across the room and heard it crack against the wall, and then he wanted to rip apart his entire bedroom, because how the _fuck_ could Josh be dead? How could his best friend just die? He was only eighteen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Bargaining, when his parents found him curled on his floor, and he begged them to take him to the hospital because if he just went there and talked to the Washingtons in person, then Josh wouldn’t be dead. Chris’s mother held him to her chest while he said in an almost manic voice, “Whatever it takes, I’ll do it. He’ll be fine. I just have to see him.” Depression, in the car ride to the hospital, when his stomach felt like it was full of lead and his heart was black sludge in his chest, and everything was wrong because he shouldn’t be driving to the hospital right now and Josh shouldn’t be fucking dead.

And finally, acceptance, when Beth met him in the hospital waiting room, and all it took was one look into her eyes for him to know. This was real, this happened, Josh was dead. And the cycle started all over again.

**\---**

Chris didn’t go to school for the rest of the week. He felt numb. Every once in a while, he’d call Josh’s cell phone, just to hear that stupid monotone voicemail. One night he stole a bottle of whiskey from his dad’s liquor cabinet and drank until his throat felt like fire and his stomach churned, and then he left a drunken, rambling confession on Josh’s message, knowing no one would ever hear it now. His cell phone’s screen had a large crack in the corner. A constant reminder that everything was broken.

 ****The funeral. Chris wore a suit for the first time since he attended uncle’s second wedding when he was twelve. It was a closed casket, but Chris still spent a long moment staring at the shiny dark grain that encased his best friend. He put his hand on top of the casket and tried to picture Josh in there, eyes closed. Wearing something nice. All dressed up for no one.

A hand brushed his back, and he turned. It was Ashley. She was looking at him with her soft doe eyes, unshed tears shining in them. “Hey,” she said, voice gentle.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Am I holding up the line?”

“Oh God, Chris, no,” she said quickly. “No, no. I just… wanted you to know I’m here. You take as much time as you need.”

He nodded. She turned to look at the casket, and pressed a hand to her mouth. Her shoulders shook. He swallowed the lump in his throat and stepped away. The Washingtons stood in a line, and he approached them. Bob and Melinda were first. Chris didn’t know what to say to them. Bob squeezed his hand too tightly, Melinda hugged him a fraction too long. They both looked so empty. Chris moved on to the twins. They both embraced him, and he felt himself sagging a bit into their touch. They didn’t need words. When they let go of him, Hannah touched his cheek and said quietly, “I’m sorry, Chris.”

And he closed his eyes and felt a tear slide down his face and onto her fingers. “Me too,” he said.

The service was a blur, mostly because Chris tuned out the cliched adages of the speakers and tried to hold back the rush of sobs that had been building in the back of his throat since he’d put on the suit that morning. After, he managed to escape his parents and their hovering concern, and he walked among the gravestones, away from the newest one that marked Josh’s body.

“Hey, you,” said a voice. Sam caught up to him, and he slowed to let her fall into step beside him. “How are… god, I’m not even going to ask. You feel like shit. I feel like shit. God. This sucks.”  

“Yeah,” he said, looking up at the sky. It was a beautiful October day, with only a few clouds in the soft blue above. The air smelled like fresh soil and flowers.

“I can’t believe… it still doesn’t feel real,” Sam said after a moment. “You know? I keep expecting him to pop up from behind a tree, and this would just be one of his elaborate pranks.” She shook her head. “I hate this.”

“I keep trying to remember the last thing I said to him,” Chris said. “I talked to him after school that day. We were just, like, shooting the shit, you know? Talking about your Halloween party. He seemed… he seemed okay. A little quiet, but not… fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He stopped walking and rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses up to his forehead. “Should I have seen some kind of signs? God fucking damn it. Why would he do this? Why didn’t he just… fuck. Fuck.”

Sam tugged his hand away from his face and put her arm around him, leaning heavily against his side. Chris always forgot how tiny Sam was; she was such a commanding, energetic presence that she seemed to take up more space than she did. Now, though, she seemed as small and sad as Chris felt.

“I miss him,” she said, and her voice shook. “I miss him so fucking much.”

“Yeah,” he said, throat constricted. “Me too, Sammy.”

“He really cared about you, you know?” she said. He took a shuddering breath. “You were his best friend. He loved you, even though you guys didn’t talk that way. He did. We all knew it.”

But they _did_ talk that way, was the thing. Chris could think of countless times, during sleepovers or over the phone, after he’d talked Josh down from a panic attack and Josh’s breathing had slowed to a normal rhythm, how Chris would murmur, “Hey. I love you.” And Josh wouldn’t crack some “no homo” joke, he’d just say, “I know.” Of course, their friends weren’t privy to these moments, no one was. In front of everyone else it was all teasing and punching each other on the arm. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d told Josh he loved him, though, and thinking about those quiet, intimate moments of real affection made Chris want to scream until his lungs gave out, so he just nodded slowly and said, “I know he did.”

**\---**

At home that night, he stayed up too late staring at Josh’s Facebook page. He’d only gone on to see how many more hundreds of “We miss you” posts had been added since that morning, but then he’d looked at Josh’s profile picture, which was himself and Josh mid-wrestle, both grinning like idiots as Josh held Chris in a headlock, and then Chris was sobbing and clicking through all of their photos together. He fell asleep, finally, with his computer on his lap and a picture of him and Josh in the fifth grade play (a watered-down version of _Grease_ ) displayed on the screen.

A few hours later, he jerked awake. He blinked blearily at his computer, which had long since gone into sleep mode. He tapped the trackpad, and the fifth grade picture popped up again. Chris smiled sadly at it and sat up to put his computer on the nightstand.

And then he nearly screamed, because Josh was standing at the foot of his bed, a shushing finger held to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the rest of the chapters will be WAY longer than this, but this was just a sort of easing-you-into-it opener. Stick around for the next one in a day or two!!


	2. dead men don’t tell tales, but your best friend’s ghost does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris discovers that Josh is just as much of a little shit dead as he was alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the queen of posting chapters ridiculously fast strikes again~  
> no but really, i had this one typed up like a week ago because i was avoiding my final paper, so enjoy this while i actually get my shit together for finals. chapters will still be posted fairly regularly (i hope) because i can't seem to control myself

“Oh my god!” Chris yelped, yanking his feet back towards himself as he scrambled more upright, clutching his blankets and staring at Josh. His friend just shushed him more insistently, eyes widening.

“Please don’t freak out,” Josh said in a low voice, and Chris almost screamed again because that was _definitely_ Josh’s voice and that was _definitely_ Josh now kneeling on the foot of his bed and how the fuck was this happening?

“You’re dead,” he blurted. Josh’s lips twitched.

“Yeah,” he said. “Whoops.”

“How… what the fuck… this isn’t real.” Chris shook his head. “This is a dream. God, I was wondering when I’d start dreaming about you.”

“Aww,” Josh said. Chris ignored him, too busy pinching himself hard on the arm. “Dude, stop, you’re not dreaming,” Josh added. Chris stared at him.

“Then how the fuck?! Oh, great. Oh, I’m crazy. I’m crazy!” Chris flung his hands up.

“Chris, bro, you’re not crazy either,” Josh said. “Trust me, I’m kind of an expert in crazy.” He shuffled forward on the bed, and now he was close enough for Chris to touch. Chris stared at the indentation Josh’s knees made in his covers.

“You’re dead,” Chris repeated. Josh nodded. “And I am awake and not crazy.” Another nod. “So…?”

“I’m a ghost,” Josh said simply. “It’s not that complicated, Cochise.”

“Not that--?! Not that complicated?!” Chris spluttered. “Josh, you… you’re dead. Your sisters called me a week ago sobbing that you _killed_ yourself. I attended your funeral this morning! They put you in the fucking ground! And now you’re sitting on my bed and that’s _not_ _complicated_?!”

“Okay, okay,” Josh said placatingly, raising his hands in surrender. “Keep your voice down, jeez.”

Chris eyed Josh’s hand. Carefully, he reached out to touch it. His fingers didn’t go right through Josh like he expected them to; in fact, he felt pretty solid. He was a little cold to the touch, but certainly not slimy and undead. Josh was looking at their hands with a funny sort of smile. Chris looked back at Josh, eyes narrowed.

“You don’t feel like a ghost,” he said.

“Oh, because you know what ghosts feel like?” Josh said. “Please, Chris, you don’t even believe in ghosts.”

“This is bullshit,” Chris said, shaking his head. “Josh, was this all faked? Is this a fucking… a prank or something?”

“Jesus Christ, no,” Josh said. “I’m not _that_ twisted, damn.” He sighed. “Look, I’ll prove it to you, okay? Just… please keep your voice down, for fuck’s sake.” He closed his eyes, brow furrowed in concentration. Chris stared at him. For a moment, nothing happened. And then, suddenly, his body seemed to flicker, and then he disappeared completely. Chris’s jaw dropped.

“What the fuck?” he hissed. Josh’s rumbling laugh came from nowhere. “How are you doing that? Stop it!”

Josh reappeared, grinning like he’d just done a cool party trick. “Believe me now?”

Chris was still gaping like a fish. He wasn’t sure _what_ he believed, but in that moment he believed enough that he started crying. The smile slid off Josh’s face and he crawled forward, pulling Chris into a hug. Chris pressed his face into Josh’s shoulder.

“It’s not fair,” he choked out. Josh rubbed a hand up and down his back.

“I know,” he said quietly. “God, I know. I’m sorry, Chris. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Chris lifted his head, and Josh’s face was right there, and he looked so… _alive_. Chris ran his fingers across his best friend’s cheek, and Josh closed his eyes at the touch. “Why?” Chris whispered. “Fuck, Josh, why did you…”

“It’s… it’s hard to explain,” Josh said. He opened his eyes. “I can’t tell you why. Not right now.”

Chris wanted to argue, but there were more questions pressing in his mind. “I don’t understand,” he said. “How… how are you still here?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Josh said. He smiled again, using the pad of his thumb to brush away a tear on Chris’s face. “I need your help.”

“With what?”

“Well, y’see, turns out I have _quite_ a lot of unfinished business to attend to before I can move on,” Josh said. “Things I gotta follow through on. And I need you to help me complete them.”

“Why do you need my help?” Chris asked, frowning slightly.

“You’re the only one who can see or hear me,” Josh said. “So you’re gonna need to be my man on the ground actually getting the shit done.” He put his hand on Chris’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be a lot of work, mind you. I have business with all of our friends, and my parents, and my sisters. But it’s very important. So, what do you say? Up for one last ride with your best bud?”

Chris felt a lump form in his throat at the word “last,” but he nodded. “Yeah, man, of course. Always.”

Josh beamed at him. “I knew I could count on you.” He shook Chris’s shoulder a bit. “C’mon, don’t look so down in the dumps! This is gonna be fun.”

“I can’t believe my dead best friend is telling me not to look ‘down in the dumps,’” Chris said. Josh’s smile faltered a bit.

“Yeah. Sorry. I just… I want us to have a good time with this. Like we always do.” He shrugged, hunching in on himself a bit. “I don’t wanna think about the fact that I’m dead.”

“Me neither,” Chris said. “Can’t really stop, though.” He felt a yawn coming up despite himself, and he tried to stifle it. Josh smirked.

“Go to bed, man,” he said. “We’ll discuss our gameplan in the morning.”

Chris hesitated. “You still gonna be here when I wake up?” he asked.

“Yeah, dude. I’m not going anywhere for a while,” Josh said. He patted Chris’s cheek, and it felt a bit condescending, but that was just how Josh was. He slid off Chris’s bed and crossed to sit in the desk chair a few feet away. “Go on, get your rest.”

“Are you just gonna stare at me all night?” Chris asked.

“Yep. Edward Cullen style,” Josh said with a chuckle. Chris snorted.

“How dreamy,” he said. It felt so normal, so easy to fall into their usual thread of banter. But this wasn’t normal at all, because Josh was a fucking ghost. He tried to push that aside for now, because he didn’t want Josh to get upset. Besides, he was still mostly sure he’d wake up in the morning and realize this had all been some fucked up coping dream. He looked at Josh for a long moment, and his friend just smiled and gave him a little salute. Then Chris put his head on his pillow and closed his eyes.

**\---**

When he woke up the next morning, he didn’t open his eyes right away. He was afraid to look at his desk chair and find Josh was no longer in it. Finally, though, he couldn’t take it any longer, so he rolled over and looked. Sure enough, the chair was empty. “Fuck,” he said, sitting up. Grief hit him in a wave all over again.

But then the edge of the bed behind him dipped slightly and Josh’s voice, low in his ear, said, “Morning, sleeping beauty.”

“Gah!” Chris flailed and fell backwards into Josh’s arms. His friend grinned at him.

“Did I scare ya?” he said. Chris scowled and righted himself, turning around to face Josh fully.

“Dude, what the hell?” he exclaimed. “Why, why the fuck would you do that?”

“I thought it’d be funny,” Josh said, shrugging. He took in the expression on Chris’s face. “Oh, jeez. You thought I was gone, didn’t you? Fuck, man, I’m sorry. That was stupid of me. Christ. I am not used to this whole ‘being dead’ thing.”

“No shit,” Chris said. He punched Josh’s arm begrudgingly. “Don’t pull that crap again.”

“It’s no fun being a ghost if you can’t even haunt anyone,” Josh whined. Chris raised his eyebrows, and Josh relented. “Okay, fine. I won’t. But one of my unfinished tasks is kind of a haunting, so I hope you’re excited.”

“Oh brother,” Chris said. He kicked off his covers and slid out of bed. “So what exactly are we doing?”

“Well I’m not going to tell you everything at once,” Josh said. “I’ll just give you the tasks as they come. It’s more fun that way. In the meantime, though, we gotta test out my ghostly powers.” He followed Chris over to his closet, where Chris started rummaging around for something to wear.

“You mean you can do more than just turn invisible?” Chris asked.

“I think so,” Josh said. “Anyway, that whole turning invisible thing isn’t that impressive to anyone but you. You’re the only one who can see me in the first place, remember?”

“Oh, right,” Chris said. “Okay, so what do you want to do then?”

“Let’s go to the park,” Josh said. “I wanna see if I can fly or some shit.”

Chris looked back at him, holding up a pair of jeans and a turtleneck. “You can _fly_?”

“That’s what we’re gonna find out, dipshit. C’mon, get dressed.”

Chris appraised Josh fully in the light of morning. He was wearing a black longsleeved shirt and sweatpants -- his standard pajamas. He didn’t have any shoes on. “Was that… um, is that what you were wearing?” he asked. Josh looked down at himself and nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. “Don’t get a wardrobe change in the spirit realm. Kinda blows. If I’d known I would’ve gotten more dressed up for the occasion.”

The joke fell flat, and they both shifted uncomfortably. Chris wondered if the long, deep cuts down Josh’s wrists were present on his ghost body. He decided he didn’t want to know. He cleared his throat and said, “Yeah... well, us mortals still have access to clothing, so I’m gonna get on that. Don’t look.”

Josh dutifully turned around and made a big show of covering his eyes. Chris shook his head and shimmied out of his pajamas, pulling on the jeans and turtleneck. He added a jacket, a windbreaker, and a scarf, earning a look of serious judgement from Josh when he turned around. “It’s cold!” Chris said defensively. Josh just rolled his eyes. Chris put on his boots and headed downstairs, Josh trailing behind him. He hesitated at the foot of the stairs, listening to see if his parents were in the kitchen. The clinking of dishes confirmed it. He looked back at Josh nervously.

“They can’t hear me or see me,” Josh reminded him. “Just act natural.”

“Nothing about this is natural,” Chris whispered, but he walked into the kitchen nonetheless. His parents both looked up at him, their expressions melting into ones of concern. He wondered what his own face looked like, what emotion he was exuding. He didn’t even know what emotion he was _feeling_. Mostly shock, if he was being honest.

“Hi, sweetie,” his mother said. She spoke softly, as though loud noises would spook him. “How are you doing this morning?”

“I’m… okay,” he said slowly. He edged closer to the back door. “Just, you know. Processing.”

His parents nodded earnestly. “If you need to talk, we’re right here,” his father added. “And Chris? It’s okay to be sad. It’s completely normal. This kind of grief doesn’t go away overnight. You don’t need to hide anything from us.”

He chewed on his lip. He’d never heard his dad say things like that. “I know. I just… I think I need to be alone for a little bit? Yesterday was really hard.” Well that wasn’t a lie. And his parents seemed to understand instantly.

“Of course, sweetheart,” his mom said. “Do you want some breakfast first?”

He shook his head, leaning over to grab a couple slices of toast off the plate on the table. “That’s okay. I’m just gonna go to the park for a while. I’ll be home later.”

“Be safe,” his mother said. He nodded and kissed the top of her head before he departed. Josh was right behind him, padding barefoot down the sidewalk as Chris munched on his toast.

“Are you cold?” Chris asked him. He spoke quietly; it was fairly early, and no one was really out and about in his neighborhood, but he didn’t want to risk his neighbors thinking he was talking to himself. They were all already walking on eggshells around him.

“Nah,” Josh said. “Don’t feel much of anything, temperature-wise. It’s like sitting in a lukewarm bath all the time.”

Chris wrinkled his nose. “Fucking weird.”

They stopped by the little drive-thru coffee place at the end of the road so Chris could buy himself a large black coffee. He almost asked Josh if he wanted anything. As it was, he just half-turned his head, mouth opening, saw Josh shaking his head frantically, and then turned back to the confused barista and smiled sheepishly. As they walked away, Chris red-faced and sipping his coffee, Josh laughed at him.

“You can’t talk to me in front of other people, dude,” he said. “They’ll put you away.”

Chris glowered. “Excuse me for needing an adjustment period to you being invisible and dead.”

“You keep bringing that up,” Josh said. He elbowed Chris in the ribs, almost causing him to slosh coffee on himself. Chris wondered idly what that must’ve looked like to an outsider. “C’mon, bro. Let’s just focus on how we may be about to see me fly like Peter fuckin' Pan.”

Chris conceded, and they arrived at the park. It was midmorning on a weekday, so it was fairly empty. That was good; that meant Chris could talk to Josh without worrying about being overheard. Josh led the way to the far end of the park, where there was a wide-open field. Chris sat down in the grass, setting his coffee beside him and hugging his knees to his chest. Josh stood before him, looking a bit ridiculous in his pajamas, bare toes wiggling in the grass.

“I don’t really know how to do this,” Josh admitted.

“Well, how did you turn invisible?” Chris asked.

“I just thought about it really hard,” Josh said. “Guess I’ll try that.” He closed his eyes, scrunching up his nose. Chris couldn’t help but smile. Josh looked really dumb, and really, really cute. He’d never tell him either of those things, of course.

“You can do it, man,” he said, as Josh continued to stay firmly on the ground. “I believe in you.”

“Shut up, you’re ruining my concentration,” Josh groused. He clenched his fists at his sides. Chris was just about to make another teasing remark when Josh’s feet lifted from the grass, and then he was steadily rising one, two, three feet off the ground.

“Holy shit, you’re doing it!” Chris said excitedly. Josh opened his eyes and whooped.

“Fuck yes!” he crowed, and then he shot up a good fifteen feet. Chris stood up, watching as Josh did a couple backflips in midair. They both started laughing, Josh practically dancing through the air. Chris hadn’t smiled like this since before he’d woken to Hannah’s phone call. His grin faded slightly at that thought.

“This sucks,” he said softly. Josh apparently still heard him, because he floated back down towards Chris. He was upside down, and he stopped when his face was level with Chris’s, hovering on his back.

“What? How does this suck? You were just laughing like three seconds ago!” he said. Chris hugged himself and looked away.

“Yeah. That’s why this sucks.” He sighed. “Josh, I barely had time to process you being gone before you showed up again. I didn’t get a chance to really grieve. And now… fuck, it’s just gonna be ten million times harder when you go again.” He let out a small, wry laugh. “Sorry. I know you don’t want to talk about it.”

Josh flipped rightside up and touched back down on the ground. He put his hands on Chris’s shoulders, grip firm. “Hey,” he said. Chris looked at him, at the earnest look in his eyes. “I’m here, right now. And I know I’m… dead, and it sucks, but I’m here. And I told you, I’m not going anywhere for a while. We’ve got a lot to do first. So let’s just focus on that, okay?”

Chris couldn’t say no to Josh. He’d never been able to, not with those big eyes and that coaxing tongue. He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” Josh smiled.

“Atta boy. Wish you could join me in this flying thing, Cochise. It’s fucking unbelievable.”

“Yeah, too bad you don't have some pixie dust, Peter Pan,” Chris said, trying to get back into the cheerful mindset he’d been in moments before. Mostly he was just savoring the feeling of Josh’s hands on his shoulders. All too soon, though, Josh let go, hovering a bit so that he was an inch or two taller than Chris.

“Finally,” he said with a smirk. “I can know what it’s like to be the tall one.”

“Alright, don’t get cocky,” Chris said, grabbing Josh’s arm and pulling him back down. “So when do we start this whole ‘unfinished business’ thing? Now that we know your ghostly powers extend to flight.”

“Hmm,” Josh said. “Well, I guess we can start with the easiest one. Some of these are gonna be complicated to orchestrate, but I have faith in you.”

“I’ve got a ghost sidekick who can fly,” Chris said. “I think I’m pretty much set.”

“Hey, I’m so not the sidekick here,” Josh said indignantly. Chris chuckled. “Anyway, jackass, like I was saying, we’ll start easy.”

“And easy is…?” Chris said expectantly.

“Easy,” Josh said, grin widening, “is our good friend Matt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peter fuckin' pan


	3. take me out to the ballgame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh's list of unfinished business is off to an unexpected start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i've reread this chapter too many times and i just need to post it already and stop fiddling with it. it's a bit shorter than i intended but what can ya do.

“I still don’t get why going to Matt’s football game is vital to your moving on to the next plane of existence or whatever,” Chris said. Josh rolled his eyes and flopped back onto Chris’s bed, nudging Chris’s thigh with his toe.

“Look, dude. I was an eighteen-year-old, mediocre high school senior. It’s not like any part of my existence held some great weight. I promised Matt I’d go to one of his games and I never did, so we’re going.” He stretched, arching his back. Chris tried not to stare. “Anyway, I told you we were starting easy. So quit your bitching and ask Matt when his next game is.”

“Alright, alright. Just kind of expected these tasks to be a little more dramatic,” Chris grumbled. He’d been delaying texting Matt since they got back to the house and Josh initially told him what his “unfinished business” with Matt was. He stared at his phone, still making no move to open his messages. Josh groaned, sitting up again and bumping their shoulders together.

“What happened to your phone?” he asked, pointing to the large crack.

“I threw it against the wall,” Chris said. “The day you… uh, yeah.”

“Oh.” Josh looked uncomfortable. “Well, are you gonna text Matt or not?”

“I don’t know what to say,” Chris said. “You do it.”

“Okay, first of all, I can’t,” Josh said. He tapped his fingers on the screen, and nothing happened. “The only physical thing I can really have an effect on is you. And second of all, it’s not that hard, man! Just ask him when his next game is.”

Chris decided he’d have to come clean. “I don’t want to go,” he said.

“Look, I know you hate football, but you promised you’d help me--” Josh started. Chris shook his head.

“No, it’s just… I haven’t been back to school since, well, you know. And the thought of going back and seeing people makes me want to puke.” He scrubbed at the back of his head. “I know it sounds stupid.”

“No, no, it doesn’t,” Josh said quickly. “I get it. I’m sorry, man. But, look, you don’t even have to talk to anyone. We’ll just go straight to the field, sit in the bleachers, cheer on our pal, and it’ll be fine.”

Chris nodded reluctantly. “Yeah, okay. It’ll be fine.” He opened his conversation thread with Matt -- which mostly consisted of Matt asking Chris for directions and other short-lived, unimportant discussions -- and typed a quick message. Matt responded right away. “Says there’s a home game tomorrow,” Chris said.

“Cool,” Josh said. “So we’ve got the rest of today with time to kill. Unless you’ve got plans?”

Chris snorted. “Right. Well, I _was_ planning on laying in my bed crying, but you showing up kind of disrupted that course of action.” He was trying not to be so fucking pissy about all of this, and the admonished look on Josh’s face did make him feel bad, but come on. Josh kept acting like he hadn’t killed himself. As if Chris could just forget about it.

“Hey, uh, what happened with Sammy’s Halloween party?” Josh asked, clearly eager to change the subject. “Isn’t that today?”

“Not anymore,” Chris said. “She canceled it. Obviously.”

“Right,” Josh said. He ducked his head. “I kinda screwed up all your plans, huh?”

“That’s one way of putting it, I guess,” Chris said. Josh drummed nervously on his thighs for a minute.

“Wanna just watch a movie or something?” he said at last. “There’s a couple on Netflix I know you haven’t seen, I should show you.”

“...sure,” Chris relented. He opened his laptop and pulled up Netflix, finding the film Josh instructed him to and scooting back to lean against his headboard, Josh next to him. The computer sat on the bed between them.

In the middle of the movie, his mom knocked on the door. Chris pressed the spacebar to pause it and said, “Yeah?”

She poked her head in, looking at him with the same concerned expression she’d had that morning. “Hi, honey. Do you want some dinner?”

He shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”

She nodded, but lingered in the doorway. “What are you watching?”

“Some weird horror movie,” he said. “Josh wanted--” he stopped short. His mother’s eyes were pained. “Um, it seemed like something he’d like,” Chris mumbled lamely. He absolutely did not look at Josh, who he knew was staring at him.

“Oh, Chris…” his mom said. She seemed lost for words. “Do you want to talk about… anything?”

“No,” Chris said. “Really, mom, I’m… I’m okay. I just kind of want to be alone, watch my movie.”

She sighed. “Okay. Well, do come down later and have something to eat, alright?”

“I will,” he said. She closed the door again. Chris reached to unpause the movie, but Josh’s hand shot out, stopping him.

“Dude, you should eat,” he said. “I’ve never seen you turn down a meal before. What gives?”

“Lost my appetite,” Chris said. Josh frowned in confusion. Chris exhaled loudly, exasperated. “Look, dude, I don’t know what you expected. My best friend _killed_ _himself_ , so I’m gonna be kind of fucked up, okay? So can we not… can we not have a big to-do every time something comes up?”

“Okay,” Josh said in a small voice. Chris felt guilty immediately. After a moment, Josh leaned his head on Chris’s shoulder. “Sorry for fucking you up,” he said quietly.

“S’okay,” Chris said, even though it wasn’t. He unpaused the movie.

**\---**

The next evening, Chris bundled up in enough layers to make Josh laugh and the two of them drove to the high school. Chris sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, gripping the steering wheel nervously.

“It’s just a game, bro,” Josh reassured him. “No big deal.”

“Yeah, no, I know,” Chris said. “I’m totally fine. Just, uh, catching my breath.”

“Oh, right, driving sure can leave you winded,” Josh said. Chris shot him a look and got out of the car. They followed the crowd of people heading towards the football field, and Chris quickly made his way to the top of the bleachers. He sat at the far end, and Josh hovered on the other side of the railing, floating in midair. The bleachers soon filled, and the teams came onto the field. Everyone cheered and yelled.

“Which one’s Matt?” Chris muttered to Josh.

“What’s that, dear?” asked the woman to his left.

“Oh, uh, nothing, I was talking to myself,” he said, embarrassed. He glanced sideways at Josh.

“On it,” he said. He floated down towards the field, circling around their school’s team. It still baffled Chris that no one else could see the boy in pajamas flying around the field. After a moment, Josh pointed to the player with a number 18 on his back and gave a thumbs up. Chris didn’t do anything to respond, just in case the lady next to him started thinking he was crazy. Josh made his way back over to the bleachers and the game began.

Chris wasn’t ashamed to admit that he knew almost nothing about football. He’d never even been to a single game in his life, not even with a friend on the team. Josh, however, seemed to be getting _way_ into it. He cheered and booed along with the rest of the crowd, and when the home team punted the football through the goalposts, Josh actually did a backflip. When he wasn’t cheering, he explained what was going on in the game to Chris, and by the end of it Chris had figured out when to something good was happening. He jumped up with the rest of the home team supporters when Matt scored the winning touchdown. Josh was ecstatic. Chris snuck a look at him, smiling a bit sadly. He wondered if Josh had thought about little things like this before he’d decided to die. He wondered if he’d thought about how much he might miss them.

After the game, Chris and Josh lingered by the bleachers. People were milling about, parents and friends meeting up with the players and cheerleaders to congratulate or console them, depending on their team. Chris spotted Matt finally emerging from a small mob of well-wishers, and he waved. Matt waved back and jogged over to him.

“Chris! You came!” he said, smiling. He was sweaty, helmet dangling from one hand. Chris nodded.

“Yeah, of course. Great game, man, you killed it out there.”

Matt shrugged modestly. “It was a team effort,” he said. “Nice to see someone from the group was here, though.”

“No one else came?” Chris asked.

“Nah. It’s okay, though. I get it. No one really feels like going out, you know?” His expression was more somber now. “I mean hell, I didn’t even really feel like playing, but gotta do what’s best for the team.”

Josh, who had moved to stand beside Matt, looked both surprised and saddened by his friend’s words.

“Anyway, I gotta admit, I’m surprised _you_ came,” Matt added. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but you don’t even like sports.”

“Yeah, well…” Chris scuffed his shoe on the dirt. “Okay, honestly? I did it for Josh.”

Matt raised his eyebrows in surprise, and Josh jerked his head up to give Chris a wide-eyed stare, clearly wondering where he was going with this. “What do you mean?” Matt asked.

“Well, uh, he’d told me before that he always meant to come to one of your games, but I guess he never did,” Chris said slowly. “So I thought, you know, I’d come. In his place. You did really well, I think he’d have had a great time. Been proud or whatever.”

He expected Matt to be confused, or even a little dismissive, but to his surprise, his friend looked extremely touched. He smiled a genuine, emotional smile. “Chris, that really means so much to me. Seriously. Thank you.”

“Yeah, of course, man,” Chris said, feeling self-conscious.

“Hey,” Matt said. “D’you wanna go grab some burgers or something?”

“Oh,” Chris said. “You aren’t gonna go out with the rest of your team? Celebrate your big win?”

“Nah,” Matt said. “I’ve been hanging out with them all day. I wanna hang out with you, dude.”

Chris glanced at Josh, who nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I’d like that,” Chris agreed.

They got into Chris’s car, Josh lounging in the backseat, and headed to a little burger joint a couple blocks away. Matt and Chris had never really been close; they were friends, sure, and they chatted at parties and in group settings, but Chris had never hung out with him one-on-one. He supposed technically they weren’t one-on-one right now anyway, because Josh was lurking around their little booth, floating above their heads and occasionally drifting around the rest of the diner, but it’s not like he was joining in the conversation.

At first it was a little awkward, both of them munching on their food in silence. Then Chris said, “So how’re things at school?”

“It’s been weird, man,” Matt said, poking at his fries. “They had a big announcement about him the first day back, there was an assembly and everything. Jess started this little memorial thing in Josh’s locker, everyone’s been writing notes and putting them in there.” He shook his head. “Still feels so unreal, you know?”

“Definitely,” Chris said. “I didn’t know about all that stuff… that’s sweet of Jess to do that. He’d have appreciated it.” He glanced over to where Josh was floating lazily on the other side of the room and wondered how he’d have reacted if he’d heard.

“Yeah. So how’ve you been holding up, Chris?” Matt asked seriously. “We’ve all been worried. We miss you at school. Ash and I were just talking about you today.”

Chris hunched his shoulders. “Yeah. I miss you guys, too.”

“The twins still haven’t come back to school, either,” Matt said. “I mean, I don’t blame them. Have you talked to either of them recently?”

“No,” Chris sighed. “I should. I haven’t talked to anyone, really. Maybe I’d feel better if I did, but reaching out… it’s just… it’s too hard right now. I don’t think I’m ready, you know, emotionally.”

“I totally get it,” Matt said. “A hundred percent. But we’re here for you when you’re ready, okay? Whatever you need.”

“Thanks, Matt.” Chris smiled slightly. Matt was a good guy. He needed to spend more time with him. Maybe when all this stuff with Josh was over… but he didn’t want to think about that.

When they’d finished their food, Chris dropped Matt off at the school, where he got into his own car and left for home. Josh clambered into the front seat again, smiling at Chris.

“Hey man, you did it!” he said. “One down.”

“That wasn’t so bad,” Chris said. “I mean, jeez, at this rate you’ll be ascending to heaven or whatever in no time.” His tone was light and joking, but the tinge of sadness in his words was undeniable.

Josh clearly sensed this, because he said, “Psh, that’s what you think. You keep forgetting that I started you off easy. You’re going to have to be a much more active participant in the rest of these.”

“Great,” Chris groaned. “You’re lucky I love you, you know.”

“I know,” Josh said. He looked out the window. “C’mon, Cochise. Let’s get home. Big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

Chris reluctantly turned away from admiring Josh’s profile as he stared pensively out the windshield. As he drove them back to his house, Chris rolled down his window and let the late autumn breeze ruffle his hair and chill his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> matt is a tiny friend-shaped angel that i love.   
> up next: impromptu dancing and lots of falling over (because it's chris and what else did you expect)


	4. high school musical, now featuring the undead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living in denial is probably not the best idea, particularly when you're dead. (Also, Chris can't dance for shit.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a lot longer to get posted than i anticipated, so uh... i hope you like it. i had to google what songs were popular in 2012 for this, and watch a bunch of cheer routines on youtube. gotta love #research

Chris woke up the next morning to Josh’s clammy fucking hand on his face. “What the hell?” he grumbled, swatting it away.

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!” Josh sang in his ear. Chris squinted at him.

“Unless you actually have eggs and bacon right now, cut it out,” he said. Josh just grinned.

“Got your appetite back?” he asked. Chris rubbed his eyes and glanced at his alarm clock. 7:30 a.m. What the _hell_ , Josh. He’d been able to sleep through the night for the first time in over a week, and he had intended on savoring it, because he was fucking exhausted.

“Dude, I’m trying to sleep,” he said. Josh whined and rose off the ground to hover over Chris, which was more than a little unsettling this early in the morning.

“I’m _bored_ ,” Josh said. “And I’d tell you that you can sleep when you’re dead, but that stupid saying is a fucking _lie_ because you totally can’t and I’m so. Bored.”

Chris huffed. He decided he should get up before Josh started sticking his cold ghost hands on his face again. He tried to sit up and promptly smacked his forehead into Josh’s, seeing as the other boy was still floating above him. Josh gave a yelp of surprise and dropped directly on top of Chris with a _flump_. Chris groaned in pain.

“Dude, what the _fuck_ ,” he said, shoving uselessly at Josh’s shoulder. Josh was laughing way too hard about this. “Get offa me.” Josh obliged, still snickering.

“Don’t be a grump, Cochise,” he said, watching as Chris sat up, rubbing his forehead. “We’ve got a fun day in store.”

“As long as it doesn’t involve you colliding with me again, I’m down,” Chris said. Josh’s smile turned positively wicked, and Chris already regretted his words.

“Well, with _that_ attitude,” Josh said. “You might not like my plans.”

“Who’s on our agenda for debts repaid this time?” Chris asked warily.

“Jessica,” Josh said. “See, in three days she’s doing her audition for the cheer squad.”

“Okay…” Chris said. “So?”

“ _So_ , the routine she wants to do for her tryout requires a second person to do some lifting and shit,” Josh began. Chris’s eyes widened.

“Oh, no,” he said. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I told her I’d help her out! She wanted it to be one of the guys, and let’s be honest here, bro, I’m the most graceful guy in our circle of friends.” He wasn’t wrong, but Chris was pretty sure that was exactly why this was an absolutely terrible idea.

“Josh, do you know me?” he said. “Like, seriously. I have the hand-eye coordination of a newborn baby.” Josh snorted. “I’m the worst person to help Jess with this.”

“Correction: _normally_ , you are the worst person to help Jess with this,” Josh said. “But now, you’ve got me. Your friendly neighborhood apparition. I’m gonna make sure you nail this thing.”

“Is all this ‘unfinished business’ shit is just gonna be a bunch of weird favors you promised people and didn’t get to?” Chris said. He’d already resigned himself to this ridiculous task, because he’d learned years ago that it was far easier to just go along with Josh’s schemes.

“Don’t be such a whiner,” Josh said. “I promise, this’ll be fun. I already know the routine, and all you have to do is like, hold her up her a couple of times. It’s super easy. I’ll teach you, get up.”

“My parents…” Chris said hesitantly, glancing at the door.

“Already left for work,” Josh said. “I checked.” That made Chris happy; it meant his parents had stopped staying home to look after him. Not that he didn’t appreciate their concern or anything, he just felt bad that they had to put their lives on hold. Especially seeing as Chris couldn’t tell them he was feeling a bit better now that the ghost of his best friend was hanging out with him. “Now get your ass up, and put on Call Me Maybe,” Josh continued, shaking Chris from his thoughts.

“Excuse me?” Chris said.

“That’s the stupid song Jess chose, alright?” Josh said impatiently. “Just do it, man.”

Chris continued to grumble, but he got out of bed and opened his laptop, pulling up that stupid Carly Rae Jepsen song. He pressed play and the synthy pop sound started thrumming through his speakers. Josh nodded to himself.

“Alright,” he said. “Well, I won’t show you the whole routine, because I don’t know how to do it all, but basically, there are two times Jess is gonna need your help.” He grabbed Chris’s wrist and pulled him into the center of the bedroom, where there was a large empty space of floor. “The first one, she’s gonna cartwheel, and you’re gonna catch her legs, and then she’s gonna back-bend and you can let go. Got it?”

“Uh,” Chris said, because he didn’t have it even a little bit. But Josh was already taking a step back and lifting his arms to begin, so Chris just sort of stood there and waited. Josh cartwheeled and all of a sudden his legs were in Chris’s face and Chris made a startled sound and grabbed him by the ankles. Josh laughed.

“Okay, I’m gonna go into the back-bend, so let go,” he said. Chris obliged, and Josh gracefully came down. Chris gaped at him. “Not so hard, right?” Josh said.

“I _guess_ ,” Chris said. “What’s the other thing?”

“Well, at the end of the song, Jess is gonna give you a signal and then you need to kneel down. She’ll come around behind you and get on your shoulders, and then you stand up. Easy-peasy.”

“Wait, I have to lift her?” Chris said. “Dude, I have no upper body strength.”

“Ah, you’ll be fine, Jess is pretty light. Though she does have some serious booty,” Josh added, wiggling his eyebrows. Chris groaned.

“Let’s just get this over with,” he said. Josh smirked.

“Fine by me. On your knees, Cochise.”

Ignoring the heat that rose to his cheeks at Josh’s words, Chris sank to his knees as Josh circled around to stand behind him.

“Ready?” Josh said. Chris nodded, and then winced as Josh hoisted himself to sit on Chris’s shoulders. He gripped Josh’s legs firmly, but as soon as he started to stand, he knew this was not going to work. He fell over almost immediately, toppling onto his side and sending Josh crashing down as well. This time, when Josh started laughing, Chris couldn’t help but join in. This was all so extremely ridiculous, and stupid, and he probably looked like an idiot, but it was also weirdly fun. Part of him felt wrong for laughing, like he wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. But Josh seemed so determined to ignore the facts of their situation, and although Chris knew it was probably unhealthy in the long run, he decided in that moment that he’d ignore them, too. It was easier to laugh with Josh than to try to get him to talk about his suicide, at any rate.

“Okay, maybe a little more practice with that one,” Josh said, getting to his feet and hoisting Chris back up as well. Chris started the song over again, and for the next half hour he attempted to get the hang of the routine. Call Me Maybe was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of his goddamn life.

When Chris started the song over for what felt like the millionth time, he turned around to see Josh holding a hand out to him. “May I have this dance?” he asked, grinning. Chris’s eyebrows shot up.

“Dude. I don’t dance.”

“Okay, _Chad_ ,” Josh snorted. Chris gave him a confused look. “You, know, High School Musical?” Josh prompted. Chris shrugged. “What? How have you not seen High School Musical?”

“Why have _you_ seen it?” Chris countered. Josh made a face at him.

“Fuck off, man, Hannah was like obsessed with those movies in middle school. Now be a gentleman and dance to this goddamn song with me.”

Chris rolled his eyes, but he took Josh’s proffered hand and allowed his friend to twirl him closer. Josh put his other hand on Chris’s waist and they started an exaggerated waltz around the room that was hardly in time to the music. It felt kind of dumb, but then Josh was taking big, lumbering steps and dipping their outstretched arms with every move, and they were both laughing again before long. The song ended, and they both looked at each other, lingering smiles as their chuckles faded. Josh sighed and rested his forehead on Chris’s shoulder, and Chris’s chest tightened. His hand was still on Josh’s hip, the other clasped in Josh’s and still sticking straight out. The moment felt heavy, and Chris’s heart threatened to thump right out of his chest.

And then just like that, Josh lifted his head, playful smirk back in place, and dropped Chris’s hand. He shoved his shoulder playfully and said, “See? You totally dance.”

Chris tried to hide how flustered he was and shoved Josh in return. “I don’t think any sane person would call that _dancing_ , bro,” he said.

“Good thing I’m not exactly sane,” Josh said lightly. Chris didn’t laugh, but Josh didn’t seem to notice, because he was already walking away, dropping down to sit on Chris’s bed. “Anyway, I think you’ve just about got the hang of the routine. So we should go see Jess tomorrow and let her know you can help.”

“How many of your little errands are going to involve me going to the school?” Chris said, joining Josh on the bed. “Because I really, _really_ don’t like going.”

“I think this should be the last time we have to go there,” Josh said. “It’ll be fine, I promise. You don’t have to go to class or anything, you just need to talk to Jess.”

“Okay,” Chris said. “We can go tomorrow during lunch.”

“Cool,” Josh said. “And in the meantime, you are going to sit your ass down, and we are going to watch the High School Musical trilogy.” When Chris made a face, Josh added, “It’s an iconic piece of cinema, Christopher! I will not allow my best friend to miss out on this vital work of our generation!”

And so that was why Chris’s mom came home to find Chris passed out on his bed with the end of High School Musical 3 playing on his computer. She smiled a faint, sad kind of smile before she shut his door again.

**\---**

The next day, Chris and Josh headed down to their high school around noon, and Chris parked in the parking lot and tried to quash the churning in his stomach as he eyed the school buildings in the daylight. He’d never had such a strong aversion to school before; in fact, he kind of _liked_ going to school, which Josh would say was due to the fact that he was a humongous nerd. But something about the thought of being among all those people, when Josh was dead and they all knew and they were all looking at Chris like they were just waiting for him to have a meltdown… he couldn’t take it, not yet. He pulled out his phone and texted Jessica while Josh stretched out in the back seat.

 

> _**Chris:** hey, u busy?_
> 
> _**Jess:** i’m at school rn, whats up??_
> 
> _**Chris:** come outside, i’m in the parking lot._
> 
> _**Jess:** ok b right there_

Chris tapped a rhythm on the steering wheel and scanned the front lawn until he spotted Jess walking out, hands shoved into the pockets of her jacket. Her short hair was in pigtails that bobbed as she jogged over to his car. When she reached him, he gestured for her to open the door, and she got into the passenger seat.

“Hey,” he said. She smiled carefully at him, a mixture of sadness and confusion in her eyes.

“Hi,” she replied. “How are you?”

He shrugged. “I’m, you know. I’m managing.”

She nodded, crossing her arms and rubbing them slightly. “Soooo,” she said slowly. “What’s up? You coming back to school?”

“Uh, no, not yet,” he said. “I actually came to offer you a favor, I guess?”

She quirked an eyebrow. “Um, okay. What is it?”

“You have cheer tryouts day after tomorrow, right?” he said.

“I did,” she said, glancing down. “But, uh, I don’t think I’m gonna do that anymore.”

“Josh was supposed to help you,” he said. She looked back over at him.

“Yeah…” she said. “How’d you know that?”

“He mentioned it to me once,” Chris fibbed. “Anyway, I know you really wanted to be in cheer this year, so I thought maybe I could help you with your routine instead?”

She tried unsuccessfully to hide a snort of laughter. “Chris, I appreciate the offer, but _you_ want to help with my routine? _You_?”

Okay, he knew he wasn’t exactly the most physically talented person, but jeez, Jess. He frowned slightly. “C’mon, give me a chance! I just have to catch your legs once and then pick you up at the end. I can do that.”

“Okay, how do you know all that?” she asked. He shifted guiltily.

“Uh, I watched you and Josh practice one time,” he said. She pursed her lips.

“Did you?” she said. He nodded. “Huh. I don’t remember that. But still, you remembered the routine from seeing it one time?”

“Mind like a steel trap,” he said, rapping his knuckles lightly on his temple. She pondered this for a moment, but seemed to buy it. Chris mentally sighed in relief.

“Well, I guess you could help,” she said thoughtfully. “Are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, this doesn’t seem like your thing.”

“I wouldn’t have come down here if I didn’t want to,” he pointed out. “I know Josh really wanted to help you with this, so…” he shrugged. “Just seemed like the right thing to do.”

Her sad smile returned, and she put a hand on his arm. “That’s… really nice of you, Chris. I just… I don’t know…”

“Look, let me just try it out with you,” Chris said. “I swear I won’t fuck up.”

“Alright,” she said. She glanced out the window and pointed a manicured nail at the lawn along the side of the school. “Let’s go out there.”

They got out of the car, Josh floating behind them. Chris glanced back at him, and Josh gave him two thumbs up. “You got this,” he said.

Jess stopped in the middle of the grass and pulled out her phone. “You ready?” she said. Chris nodded, and Jess turned on that fucking song and set her phone on the ground before she went into her routine.

“She’s coming in for the cartwheel now,” Josh said, standing a foot or two to his left. Chris readied himself. Jess was shorter than Josh, but Chris was still able to catch her. “Okay, let her down,” Josh instructed. Chris did so. Jess shot him a surprised smile before she continued, and before long she was turning to go into that dreaded final pose.

“Ready?” Jess asked. Chris nodded, though he didn’t feel ready. It was one thing to drop his dead ghost friend, but he’d feel really bad if he dropped Jess. When she got on his shoulders, he felt himself already wobbling, and when he tried to stand, he knew he was going to fall. But before he could tip over, Josh’s hands shot out, gripping his waist and steadying him. Chris thanked whatever bizarro ghost physics allowed Josh to touch him, because he didn’t drop Jessica and that in itself was a freaking miracle.

“Wow!” Jess said when she’d dismounted from his shoulders. “I gotta say, Chris, I’m impressed. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“I’m full of surprises,” he said, shrugging. She laughed slightly, and then got quiet again. Chris wasn’t sure what that meant from Jess; like Matt, Jessica wasn’t someone Chris spent a lot of solo time with.

Eventually, she said, “Thank you for, you know, doing that. Encouraging me or whatever. Honestly, I felt like after… what happened, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to try out anymore.”

“It’s important to you,” Chris said. “I mean, you were talking about it all summer. I don’t think Josh would’ve wanted you to just give that up.”

“It’s hard to know _what_ he would’ve wanted,” she said, picking at her cuticles. “I mean, none of us knew he wanted to die.”

Chris swallowed hard, looking over at Josh. His friend was closed off and avoiding eye contact. “Well, I know he cared about us,” Chris told Jess.

“You think he knew we cared about him?” she asked. When he didn’t answer right away, she sighed, then said, “Hey, I want to show you something. Something I did, um, for him.”

“Oh, Matt mentioned you set something up at his locker,” Chris said. Josh perked up slightly at this, seeing as he hadn’t been listening when Matt had told Chris about this before. Jess nodded.

“Yeah, I did. Wanna see it?”

Chris shifted anxiously, looking at the school. “I dunno…”

“We’ve still got a few minutes left of lunch,” Jess said. “C’mon. Please?”

“Yeah, okay,” he relented. He followed Jess across the lawn and through the double doors into the school. His skin crawled as soon as he entered. He noticed immediately the way people stared at him, a few people muttering to each other. Someone patted his shoulder when he passed, some vague consolation uttered that he tuned out. _Don’t think about it_ , he told himself. _Don’t think about your dead best friend being dead._

Jess stopped in front of Josh’s locker. A small basket had been affixed to the door, and a picture of Josh was above it, along with the words “We Miss You.” The basket was full of folded pieces of paper. There was an overwhelming number of notes in there.

“Wow,” Chris said softly.

“Yeah, a lot of people had things to say,” Jess said. “Not just notes, either, some people have been putting in drawings and pictures and stuff. I put one in, I’ll show you.” She dug around in the basket and pulled out a photo. Chris looked at it. It was Jessica and Josh in middle school, both dressed up nice and smiling for the camera, standing in what looked like a dance studio. Chris felt a faint smile cross his face; he’d nearly forgotten that Josh and Jess met at a dance class way back when. He took in Jess’s bouncy curls and braces, and Josh’s gangly limbs and too-big ears.

“You guys were so cute,” he said.

She smiled. “Yeah. God, it’s so funny, you know, I had the _biggest_ crush on him back then.”

 _You weren’t the only one_ , Chris thought to himself. Jess must’ve been thinking along the same lines, because the look she gave him made his ears turn red. He really hoped Josh wasn’t picking up on this. He chanced a glance at his ghostly friend, but Josh didn’t seem to be paying Chris and Jessica any mind. He was staring at the little basket with surprising intensity. His lips were pressed together in a thin line.

“I wish he could’ve known,” Jess said sadly, putting the picture back in the basket. “All these people who cared. Maybe then he wouldn’t have felt so… I don’t know, desperate.”

Chris felt like he might cry. It was time to go. “I should get out of here before someone makes me go to class,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. Jess nodded in understanding, and then she gripped him in a brief but tight hug.

“Come back to school soon, okay?” she told him. “You keep talking about what Josh would’ve wanted, and I know you knew him better than any of us, but I don’t think he’d want you to hide away forever.”

“I know,” Chris said awkwardly, not meeting her eyes. “It’s not forever, Jess. I just need… time.”

“Take care of yourself,” she said. He nodded. She pecked him on the cheek before she left, and he went a bit pink. Josh, for his part, was standing with his hands shoved into the pockets of his sweatpants, scowling. Chris hurried back out of the school and to his car before anyone tried to engage him in conversation. Josh didn’t say anything as they drove back to the house, no excitement that he’d nearly accomplished another task.

“What’s eating you?” Chris asked finally, as they pulled into his driveway. Josh grumbled and continued to look out the window. “Josh, seriously, what’s wrong?” Chris pressed.

“All those notes people wrote for me,” Josh said. “I mean, fuck, what a bunch of bullshit.”

Well, that’s not what Chris expected. “How do you figure _that_?” he asked.

“I doubt most of the people who put notes in there even talked to me outside of a classroom,” Josh said. “It’s fucking fake-ass mourning shit. Only act like they care once you’re gone. It’s so… it’s just fake, and I hate it. They don’t really care, they just want to cash in on the drama of it all.”

Chris could sort of understand what Josh meant, but at the same time, he wanted to point out that just because a lot of those notes were from people that might not really care, some of the notes were from people who _did_ care. And wasn’t that something? Didn’t it mean anything at all, didn’t he get that there were people in this world who were _actually_ upset that he was gone? But maybe that was too hard for Josh to think about. As frustrated as he was, Chris knew his friend didn’t need an argument right now. So he just said, “Hey, man. Forget about all that. Let’s go… I don’t know, go watch TV or something. Or you can watch me play video games.”

“More like watch you suck at video games,” Josh said, smiling slowly. _Success_ , Chris thought. They got out of the car and Josh bumped Chris’s shoulder. “Ya done good today, Cochise,” he said.

“Anything for you,” Chris replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would like to take this time to inform u that despite josh's need to make terrible innuendos all the time, there will be no ghost-fucking in this fic. it had to be said. 
> 
> also, i'm having a lot harder time writing this than i thought i would, so sorry if my lightning-fast chapter posting doesn't hold up this time around. your comments are seriously very much appreciated and a good motivator, though. wink wonk. 
> 
> next time: let's pay a visit to the washingtons! what could go wrong


	5. constructive criticism from beyond the grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zoo wee mama this chapter got a hell of a lot longer than i thought it would. enjoy it, pals. sorry this one's kinda sad. the next one will (i think?) have some more lighthearted moments.

Jessica’s actual tryout went off without a hitch, and she couldn’t stop thanking Chris for helping her. He was happy to have helped, but even happier to be done with it, because he was way too out of shape for that shit. Josh didn’t give Chris another task to do for well over a week; instead, the two of them spent a lot of time in Chris’s room. Sometimes Chris would play video games while Josh provided a running disparaging commentary, or they’d watch TV shows on Netflix. They were currently marathoning _Friends_. And speaking of friends, ever since he’d visited Matt and Jess, Chris had been receiving a hell of a lot more text messages from his pals at school. Saying they missed him, asking how he was doing, little things like that. He was watching Josh laugh at something stupid Chandler had said onscreen when his phone buzzed. It was from Matt; a picture of him and Ashley. The text said: _thinkin of u in english class!!_

Chris sighed. What he’d told Matt, about how he didn’t feel ready, emotionally, to reach out, that wasn’t quite true anymore. Before, he’d wanted to keep to himself because he was hurting so much, and he didn’t think he could bear to look anyone in the face without losing his composure entirely. But now? Now, he felt kind of okay. And that was entirely because of his ghostly best friend following him wherever he went. Seeing his other friends would mean acknowledging that Josh was actually dead. And that was a topic Chris wanted to avoid at all costs. So, he stayed in his room, pressed close to Josh as they powered through movies and shows, and continued to firmly ignore reality.

Until, that is, he ran out of snacks, and then he had to go downstairs. Which was happening now. He rummaged around in the bag of microwave popcorn, feeling nothing but unpopped kernels and grease. “Shit. I’ll be right back, gotta refill,” he said to Josh. He slouched downstairs, pausing when he heard his parents’ voices come from the living room.

“--I’m worried about him, Paul,” his mother’s voice said. “Maybe we should make him go back to school…”

“No. I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for. That won’t help anything,” his dad said. _Thank god_ , Chris thought.

“Well staying locked up in his room all the time isn’t helping him either,” his mother said. She sounded close to tears. “I mean for god’s sake, he’s talking to himself! Sometimes I hear him saying Josh’s name. I’m worried he’s….” She didn’t finish her sentence. Chris squirmed uncomfortably.

“Sweetheart, I know you’re worried about him, but I really don’t think this is out of the ordinary,” his father said placatingly. “He’s grieving. He misses Josh. You have to let him get past this stage. He’ll be okay.”

“I just don’t want… I don’t want him to lose himself. To end up like--”

Chris decided he’d heard enough, and tried to make his presence known by stomping loudly into the kitchen and flinging the pantry door open for emphasis. His mother’s words cut off and he grabbed another bag of popcorn from the cabinet, tossing it in the microwave and drumming his fingers on the counter as he waited for it to cook.

“Chris?” his father’s voice came from the doorway. He was leaning against the frame, watching his son with a careful eye. Chris shifted guiltily.

“Hey dad,” he said. “What’s, uh, what’s up?”

“Just wanted to see what you’re up to in here,” he said lightly. “Making more popcorn, huh?”

“Yep,” Chris said. He hated that he made his parents sad. He just didn’t want to talk to them, because they wanted to talk about Josh. About how Josh was dead. Again, Topic Numero Uno to avoid.

“When’s the last time you showered, son?” his dad asked, eyeing Chris’s ratty pajamas. Chris flushed.

“Uh…” He crossed his arms. “I will today.”

“Good. You gotta take care of yourself.”

“Dad…”

“I know, I know. I’m just saying. Baby steps.” His dad left him alone with his popcorn. When it was done, Chris went back up to his bedroom and tossed the bag onto the bed.

“I’m gonna shower,” he told Josh.

“Cool. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you do kinda stink,” Josh said. Chris scowled at him before grabbing a clean pair of underwear and some more pajamas and heading into the bathroom. He really hadn’t showered in a while, and as he scrubbed himself under the hot spray he felt like a layer of grime had been removed. Gross.

When he came back into the bedroom, Josh said, “Your phone was ringing. It was Beth’s number.” He looked nervous. Chris hurried over to the bed and grabbed his phone, calling Beth back.

“Hey Chris,” she said when she answered. He hadn’t heard her voice since the funeral. She sounded tired.

“Hi,” he said. “Sorry I missed your call, I was in the shower. What’s going on?”

“Well….” she took a breath. “So, my mom and dad are, um, they’re going through some of Josh’s things tomorrow. And I wondered if… if you’d come. I mean,” she added quickly, “there’s probably some of your stuff in his room you’ll want back. Or whatever.”

Chris felt like a weight had been dropped back onto his chest, and he sat down on the edge of his bed, running a hand through his damp hair. “Um…” he said. He glanced back at Josh, who was watching him with concern. Should he ask if Josh wanted to go? But then he thought about his mother’s tearful voice, and the quickly filling inbox on his phone of texts from his friends. Whether Josh wanted to or not, Chris should probably do this. “Of course I’ll come. What time?”

“Like, 10:30?” Beth said. “Chris, thank you. Seriously. It’ll be easier with you here. I hope.”

“See you tomorrow,” he said. His throat felt scratchy and constricted. He hung up and flopped back on the bed, the top of his head brushing Josh’s thigh.

“What’s up?” Josh asked.

“We’re going to your house tomorrow,” Chris said. “They’re going through your room or something. Beth wanted me to be there.”

“Okay,” Josh said slowly. “Yeah, you know what? This is good. We can start on our next task while we’re there. I need something from my room for it.”

“I heard my parents talking downstairs,” Chris said, tilting his head back a bit to look up at Josh more. “Apparently they hear me talking to you sometimes. My mom’s upset about it. She thinks I’m going off the deep end or something.”

“Damn,” Josh said. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Guess we’ll just have to talk quieter then.”

“You can talk as loud as you want, asshole,” Chris pointed out, though he lowered his voice as well. Josh just smirked down at him. Chris reached up and flicked him. Then he sighed. He supposed it was a little irrational to think he could avoid reality forever.

**\---**

When they arrived at the Washington estate the next morning, Josh was clearly uncomfortable. As they walked up the long drive, he kept dragging his feet and dawdling. About halfway up the driveway, he spotted a dead bird in the grass. He walked over to it and knelt down.

“C’mon, man,” Chris huffed. Josh held up a finger, signaling for him to wait.

“This bird… I can feel its ghost energy,” Josh said dramatically. Chris’s eyes widened.

“Whoa, really?” he said. Josh turned around, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Nah, I’m just fucking with you. But that’d be fucking sick, right?” He took in the impatient look on Chris’s face and stood up again. “Alright, alright. Being here just makes me feel weird.”

Chris looked up at the house, large and imposing and still intimidating to him even after nearly a decade of knowing the Washingtons and hanging out in their home. “Yeah. I know what you mean.”

The made their way to the front door and Chris knocked. After a few moments, the door swung open, Beth on the other side. She looked worn down, the mischievous sparkle in her eyes replaced with overwhelming exhaustion. Without a word, she stepped forward and pulled Chris into a vice-like hug.

“Hey,” he said softly. She sniffled against his shoulder for a moment before pulling back.

“Thank you for coming,” she said. “I was worried maybe you wouldn’t want to.”

“It’s…” He wanted to say it was no big deal, but the flood of emotions rushing through him as he stepped into the foyer said otherwise. Hannah emerged from around the corner and rushed to hug Chris as well.

“Hi Han,” he said, rubbing her back.

“Hi,” Hannah said quietly. “Mom and Dad are still… they’re in his room right now. They wanted to be alone. You want something to drink?”

Chris nodded, and he followed the twins into the kitchen. He sat up on the countertop while Hannah poured him a glass of water. Beth leaned against the counter, her head resting against Chris’s side.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come around sooner,” Chris said after a moment. “I should’ve… I feel bad.”

“It’s okay,” Hannah said. She handed him his cup and then folded her arms, hugging herself. “It’s been hard for everyone. It… it sucks.”

Josh was standing apart from them, lingering in the doorway to the kitchen. When he caught Chris’s eye he looked away quickly.

A few moments later, Mr. and Mrs. Washington came into the kitchen. When they did, Mrs. Washington walked straight through Josh. Chris’s eyes bugged out a bit; up to now, Josh had avoided being in anybody’s way. It was fucking creepy to see Melinda phase right through Josh. She shivered a bit afterwards and glanced behind her.

“Hello, Chris,” she said, turning back to him. “So sorry that it’s so drafty in here.”

“Um,” he said, still a little unsettled. “It’s okay, I’m not cold.”

Bob Washington patted Chris on the shoulder and then disappeared into the next room. His eyes were very red. All of the Washingtons looked so drained, as if they’d been wrung out until there was nothing left. It broke Chris’s heart. Nothing like seeing your dead friend’s family to remind you that your dead friend is dead.

“You can go upstairs now, if you like,” Melinda said, rubbing at one of her eyes. “Girls, you can go with him.”

The twins and Chris went upstairs, and when they got to Josh’s door, they all stopped. It was slightly ajar, and Chris pushed it the rest of the way open. His breath caught in his throat. The posters on the walls; the desk piled with papers, comic books, DVD cases; the hamper overflowing with laundry; the synthesizer keyboard in the corner; all of it exactly as it had always been, when Josh was alive. Chris felt like crying. Hannah brushed her hand against his arm.

“Do you, um, do you wanna be alone?” she said. Her voice was wobbly. Josh had said something about wanting to get stuff from his room for whatever their next little mission was, so being alone was probably best.

“Just a for a bit, if that’s okay,” Chris said. The girls nodded, staying behind as he stepped into the room fully. They shut the door behind him. He looked around, still feeling on the verge of tears. He sat down on Josh’s bed, smoothing his hands over the comforter and then flopping back, taking a slow, deep breath. It smelled like Josh in here, like his cologne and the laundry detergent he used. Ghost Josh smelled like wintery air and something vaguely tangy, like copper. Not like how Josh used to smell when he was alive. And maybe it was stupid to tear up when Ghost Josh was standing right there, just a foot or two away, but Chris couldn’t help it. Josh sat on the bed next to him, looking uncertain.

“Sorry,” Chris said after a moment, sitting up again and wiping his eyes. “So, um… what do you need from here?”

Josh glanced around. “Do you see my backpack?”

Chris got up and looked around the room, eventually locating it under Josh’s desk chair. “Here it is.”

“Rad. Look inside, there should be a manilla envelope from Ashley.”

Sure enough, Chris found a rather hefty envelope in the bag. “What the hell’s this?” he asked.

“Ashley’s book,” Josh said. “She gave me the manuscript a while back, wanted me to read it and provide feedback. I never got around to it. So we’re gonna read it together and you’re gonna type up my constructive criticism.”

“Um, okay,” Chris said, tucking the envelope under his arm. “Anything else?”

“Anything that’s actually yours,” Josh said. Then he shrugged. “Honestly, take whatever the hell you want. I don’t care. Not like I’m gonna use it.”

Chris glanced around. He felt weird taking Josh’s stuff, even if his friend was giving him permission. He poked his head in the closet and spotted a hoodie he’d loaned Josh like six months ago laying on the ground. “Well technically this is mine,” he said, picking it up. It smelled like Alive Josh. Chris hugged it to his chest. “Okay. I think I’ve had about as much of this as I can take for now.”

“Yeah, same,” Josh said. He stood up. “Oh wait, one more thing. Can you get my phone?”

“Why? You can’t use it,” Chris said. “And I feel like your family will want to keep that.”

“You can bring it back,” Josh said. “I just want it. Please.”

Chris sighed, but he went and found Josh’s phone at the bottom of his backpack anyway. Shoving it in his pocket, he said, “Alright, let’s go.”

“Actually…” Josh hedged. “You know what, you go on down. I think I’ll just wait in the car or something.”

“...okay?” Chris said uncertainly.

“This place is giving me the heebie-jeebies,” Josh said, shrugging a little. “I’ll meet you at the car. Take your time.” Before Chris could protest, Josh vanished.

“Okay, whatever then,” Chris grumbled. He went back down to the kitchen, where Beth was waiting. Her parents and sister were nowhere to be seen.

“You okay?” Beth asked him. Chris nodded slowly.

“I guess so. Are you?”

She shrugged. “Been a hell of a lot better.”

“Where’s Hannah?”

“With my dad. He’s not doing so great today.”

“Oh.” Chris shook his head. “God, I can’t even imagine.”

“Some days are better than others,” Beth said. She tapped her fingers on the kitchen counter. “Baby steps.”

“Baby steps,” Chris agreed. An uneasy silence fell between them for a few moments. “Beth, I just want to say, I really am sorry for not reaching out to you guys earlier. I should have.”

“I get it, Chris, really,” Beth said. “It’s not like I’ve been calling people up, either. I mean, our friends keep checking up on us, but I haven’t been too good at responding. From what Jess told me you’ve been more social than Han and I have lately.” She sighed. “We’ve all been spending a lot of time alone. Made me realize something.”

“What’s that?” he said, moving to stand closer to her.

“Grief can be really isolating. It consumes you, and then it’s all you can think about. It’s so easy to just close in on yourself and feel really alone.” She looked at him, eyes shining. “That’s why I think it’s good that you’re trying to see friends, you know?”

He swallowed hard. “Wow, Beth. When did you get so wise?”

She laughed quietly. “Lots of time to think these days.” She put her arm around him. “I’m glad you came today. I know it was hard.”

“Yeah.” Chris rubbed her back. “But I mean, it’s like you said. You shouldn’t… _we_ shouldn’t be going through this alone.”

She gave him a tired smile. “You’re a good friend, Chris. He was lucky to have you. We all are.”

He ducked his head. “I guess.”

He stayed for a while longer, neither Chris nor Beth saying much, but being in each other’s presence was comforting. He kept expecting Josh to show up again, perhaps to impatiently ask Chris to leave, but he didn’t. Eventually Chris did feel as though he were intruding on a time really meant for family, so he bid Beth a farewell, asking her to pass his goodbye on to the rest of the family. When he got back to his car, Josh was sitting in the passenger seat with his feet on the dash.

“Hey man,” he said when Chris got in the car. “You good to go?”

“Yeah. Sorry to make you wait so long,” Chris said, starting the car. “That was tough, back there.” He started to drive away. “I don’t blame you for wanting to duck out early.”

“I didn’t like seeing my family that way,” Josh said. His voice was quiet.

“I wish I could like, tell them about you,” Chris said. “How you’re still here.”

“They wouldn’t believe you,” Josh said, shaking his head. “Anyway, you’re doing the next best thing, right? Helping me with all this shit.”

“Right,” Chris said. They drove in silence for a bit.

“Even though it kind of sucked, it’s good we went today,” Josh said suddenly. “Good for you, anyway.”

“How’s that?” Chris asked.

“Well it’s the first time you’ve left the house in like a week, bro. I was kind of starting to worry about you.”

Chris spared a quick glance at Josh. “ _You_ were worried about _me_?”

“Chris, listen. I… I know I don’t really have the right to judge, so I’m not, but I know the signs of depression when I see them. You’ve been isolating yourself, dude. Shit’s not healthy.”

Chris frowned. “I’m not isolated. I’m with you.”

“Yeah, but that’s not forever,” Josh said. Chris’s grip on the steering wheel tightened.

“Stop,” he said, a desperate edge to his voice. “I don’t… I just, I know it’s not forever, but can we not focus on the ending before we have to? Please?”

Josh sighed. “Yeah. My bad, bro.”

**\---**

When they got back to Chris’s house, they went upstairs and Chris put on the sweatshirt he’d salvaged from Josh’s room. Then they both sat on the bed and opened up Ashley’s manuscript, spreading it out across the mattress.

“Wow, this is a lot,” Chris said, impressed. “Go Ash.”

“I read, you turn the pages?” Josh suggested. Chris nodded, and Josh cleared his throat and began to read the first sentence, putting on a dramatic voice. This was something they’d done often growing up; at sleepovers Josh was always reading books aloud to Chris before bed. It was because he was so good at acting, putting on voices and pausing for emphasis at all the right moments. Usually he read Goosebumps and other stories that gave Chris the creeps, and then he’d laugh and hit Chris with a pillow or something to lighten the mood.

Now, though, they spent a good few hours reading Ashley’s story together, and Chris had to admit, for a sixteen-year-old, it was really freaking good. He knew Ashley was a good writer, because he’d stumbled across some of her Harry Potter fanfiction online before, but he’d never read anything original of hers. He could tell Josh was really into it, too, because the enthusiasm in his voice never wavered as he read. When he finished the final sentence, he nodded to himself in a satisfied kind of way.

“That girl’s got talent,” he said. “Okay, quick, let’s start typing up my feedback while it’s still fresh.” Chris grabbed his computer and opened a word document as Josh dictated what he wanted to write. When it was done, Chris printed it out and shoved everything back into the manilla envelope.

The following afternoon, Chris and Josh drove to Ashley’s house. Chris parked outside and texted her. Their message thread had several unanswered texts from Ashley, but he ignored those.

> _**Chris:** hey, are you at home rn?_
> 
> _**Ash:** yeah! how are you? i haven’t heard from you in a while_

Instead of replying, Chris got out of the car, holding the manilla envelope close to his chest. He knocked on Ashley’s front door. A few seconds later she opened it, looking at him with some surprise. Then she flung her arms around him in a hug that nearly knocked him off his feet.

“Oof, hey Ash,” he said, putting his free arm around her.

“Oh my gosh, Chris, it’s so good to see you,” she said, releasing him. “I’ve been so worried, you haven’t been answering anyone’s messages.”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said, scuffing his foot along her porch step. “Haven’t been in the most social mood.”

“Do you want to come in? What’s that?” Ashley said, pointing to the manilla envelope.

“Oh, right. This is for you.” He held it out to her. She took it from him, and a flash of recognition crossed her face.

“I gave this to…”

“Josh, yeah,” Chris finished for her. “Um, yesterday I was at… his house, and it was in his room. I thought you might want it back. It looks like he wrote you like a review or something.” He watched as she opened the envelope and pulled out the feedback he’d typed up. “Also, I read your book. It’s really good, Ash.”

She looked from the paper to Chris, and he saw tears forming in her eyes. “I didn’t know he’d actually read it,” she said. “Oh gosh. Here, come in.” She stepped back and Chris went into the house, Josh following behind. Ashley led the way to the living room, where she and Chris sat down on the couch. Ashley was still looking at the paper with a kind of awe. After a moment she said, “I’ll be right back,” and disappeared into the kitchen. Josh turned to Chris.

“I’m gonna wait in the car again,” he said. Chris frowned in concern.

“What, why?” he said, keeping his voice quiet.

“You’ve been hanging out with no one but me for a while now, bro. You need a break.”

“I really don’t,” Chris hissed, but Ashley was coming back with two glasses of juice and Josh was gone before Chris could argue any more. He sighed and leaned back against the couch, taking the glass Ashley offered him.

“I can’t believe he wrote this for me,” Ashley said. She skimmed the first page. “It’s like… it’s like a little piece of him. Like he’s still…” she shook her head. “I was gonna say ‘like he’s still alive,’ but that probably sounds so stupid, huh?”

Chris laughed softly. “Not that stupid.”

She set the paper down and folded her legs under her, putting a hand on Chris’s arm. “I’ve been really worried about you, Chris. You and Hannah and Beth, no one’s really heard from any of you since… it happened.”

“I saw the twins yesterday,” he said. “They’re… well, they’re not okay. But they’re managing. I’m managing.” He thought about what his father and Beth had both said to him recently. “Baby steps.”

“What can I do to help?” Ashley asked him. He looked at her, at her sad, imploring expression. It felt like he was being pitied. He probably was. The feeling didn’t sit well with him, because he was alive and he was _fine_ and Josh was the one who people should have been worried about. But at the same time… he kept avoiding breakdowns, trying to pretend everything was okay, for Josh’s sake. And maybe Josh knew that, and that’s why he left again. Giving Chris the chance to fall apart, if he needed it.

“Um,” Chris said, voice thick, and then he was sobbing quite suddenly. Ashley was quick to embrace him, and he got her shirt wet with his tears. He knew Ashley thought he was crying because he missed Josh. But he was really crying because Josh wasn’t gone, he was dead but not, here but not, and it almost hurt more this way. It felt both like a second chance and a cruel joke, because Chris still loved Josh and Josh was still dead.

He ended up taking a nap at Ashley’s house, curled on her couch while she sat by his head and gently stroked his hair. He felt like he slept too much these days, as if he was making up for that first week of sleeplessness after Josh died. When he woke up nearly an hour later, he sat up quickly and looked at Ashley, feeling sheepish.

“Ah, jeez, I’m sorry,” he said. “I totally crashed.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Ashley said. “I’m glad you got some rest. I read this while you were asleep,” she added, holding up Josh’s feedback. “I can’t believe how much he liked it.”

“Well you’re a good writer, Ash,” Chris said. She blushed a bit.

“Thanks,” she said. “Chris, I’m really glad you came by. Don’t be afraid to reach out to me, okay? I’m your friend. I’m here for you.”

“I know. I… I’ll try.” He felt drained. He wanted to go back to his room and be with Josh and forget. “I should head home,” he said.

Josh smiled easily at him when he got back into his car, and as they drove home Chris felt a bit better. He even replied to a couple neglected text messages from his friends when they got back to the house. _Baby steps_ , he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next time: @mike munroe get rekt


	6. a wonderful night for a good old-fashioned haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh has a rather extreme sense of vengeance. But I think we all knew that already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup y'all this chapter took me an age to write for some reason, and it shows because it's hella long  
> i hope you enjoy it! poor mike gets the short end of the stick a lot in my fics i've noticed, but i do love him, even if he is kind of a douche

“Dude, guess what I can do?” Josh said, seemingly out of nowhere. They were sitting in Chris’s room, Josh in Chris’s desk chair and Chris on the bed.

“Wh-?” Chris started to ask uncertainly, but before he could finish, Josh picked up a pencil from his desk and tossed it at him. Chris yelped. “What the hell? I thought you couldn’t touch shit!”

“I couldn’t! I figured it out last night,” Josh said, looking proud of himself. “It’s just like with flying or whatever, I have to concentrate really hard. But this is even harder than that, it takes a fuckton of effort just to do this.” He threw another pencil at Chris.

“Cut it out,” Chris said irritably. “But I mean, that’s cool, dude.”

“You know what this means, right?” Josh said, a familiar devious glint in his eyes.

“I feel like I should be scared,” Chris said. Josh’s grin widened.

“You’re not the one who should be scared,” he said. “But our _good_ friend Mike should be.”

Chris frowned. “Mike? Why?”

“Because I am gonna haunt his ass.”

“Wait, really? Why, what’d he do?”

Josh barked out a laugh. “A few weeks ago, before… you know, whatever, I overheard him talking shit about Hannah. Making fun of her for liking him.” He grabbed another pencil and threw it a bit more aggressively this time. It bounced off the edge of the bed and onto the floor. “So I’m gonna scare the shit out of him.”

“This grudge shit really carries over, huh?” Chris said. “What role am I gonna have to play in all of this?”

“You’ll be driving me to Mike’s house,” Josh said. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna make you break in or anything. I’ll do all the haunting. You can just sneak a peek through his window or something.”

“I kinda thought all these things would be, you know, nice,” Chris said, shaking his head.

“You greatly underestimate the kind of bitter asshole I was in life,” Josh said.

Chris had no response for that. “When are we doing this?”

“Soon. Tonight, maybe?” Josh asked eagerly. Chris hesitated. There had been that brief break between Jess and Ashley, but they were still moving through tasks so fast. Their time together would be up before they knew it.

“What’s the rush?” he said, trying to sound nonchalant. “I mean, we just started the last season of _Friends_!”

Josh appraised him. “I guess there’s no rush, yeah,” he said. “But we are not gonna sit up here watching TV all day again, dude. Enough of that. You need to go outside.”

“Ugh, Chris said. “What is with you lately?”

“Just looking out for my bro,” Josh said lightly. He stood up and gestured to the bedroom door. “Wanna go to the park? Or we could go to the mall, didn’t they add some new games to the arcade?”

“Let’s go to the beach,” Chris said after a moment’s deliberation. Josh wrinkled his nose.

“Why? It’s November. The water’s gonna be cold.”

“Not like that matters to you,” Chris pointed out. “C’mon, you wanted me to go out, I’m going out.”

Josh relented, and the two of them went downstairs. Chris left a note for his parents in case they came home while he was still gone, and then he and Josh got into Chris’s car and drove down to the beach. It was pretty quiet, because it was November and cold as Josh had so astutely pointed out, but there were quite a few fishermen on the pier, their long lines cast into the slate-grey ocean below. Chris shoved his hands deep in his pockets and walked down the concrete steps from the parking lot onto the sand, shivering a bit at the cold ocean spray carried by the wind.

“Dare you to run in the water,” Josh said. Chris arched an eyebrow.

“Why the hell would I do that? You want me to get hypothermia?”

“Chicken,” Josh said. Chris lifted his shoulders to his ears and walked faster. Josh just cackled, keeping pace with him easily. “Why’d you wanna come here anyway, bro?”

“I dunno. I like the ocean. It’s relaxing.” Chris came to a stop, watching a few seagulls circle around the ocean before making their way towards the cliffs further down the beach. “Kinda smells like fish guts, though.”

“Remember that summer in fifth grade when we came here like every day for a week straight?” Josh said. Chris smiled.

“Yeah, dude, how could I forget? You buried me in the sand and then refused to dig me out for like hours!”

“It was 15 minutes, tops,” Josh said dismissively. “And you pantsed me in the ocean, so I think we’re even.”

They both laughed, and then Chris knelt down and took off his shoes and socks, rolling up his jeans. Josh frowned down at him.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking your stupid dare,” Chris said. Josh looked delighted.

“Yessss,” he said. He bumped his shoulder against Chris’s when Chris straightened up again. Chris eyed the water a few feet away. It looked _really_ cold. “Godspeed, pil’grim,” Josh said, and then he pushed Chris, who stumbled forward and then ran into the water. As a wave crashed over his bare feet, soaking the ends of his pants, Chris shrieked.

“Sweet fucking Christ!” he said. “Oh my God. It’s so cold.” He ran back out of the water. Josh was doubled over laughing, slapping his knee.

“You scream like a little girl, Cochise,” he said. “Man, that was priceless. I wish I could’ve filmed that.”

“Fuck off,” Chris said, shivering. He looked over at the pier, and a few of the fishermen were chuckling at him. “Now I’ve made a real spectacle.”

“Hilarious,” Josh insisted. “C’mon, let’s go to the cliffs.”

Chris put his shoes back on and trudged down the beach with Josh until they got to the cliffs. Josh floated easily up to the ledge they always sat at, and Chris called up, “Cheater!” before beginning his climb up. He was terrible at all things athletic, but he’d climbed this cliff with Josh so many times over the years that it was almost easy now. He got to the ledge with minimal difficulty and only one fall (that Josh laughed way too hard at), and then he sat beside his friend, legs swinging over the edge. The ocean spread out before them, rippling and foaming. In the distance, a boat bobbed on the water.

“Man, my feet are freezing,” Chris said after a moment. “It feels like someone stabbed me with tiny shards of ice.”

“Sorry, bro,” Josh said. “You didn’t have to take the dare.”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Chris said. “Kinda feels good.”

“Nothing like pain to remind you you’re alive,” Josh said, nodding. Chris looked at him, but his friend was staring out at the water thoughtfully. “Why’d we stop coming out here?”

“Dunno. Got too busy, I guess.”

“Wish we hadn’t,” Josh said. “I forgot how much fun we used to have.”

Chris wasn’t sure how to respond, so he just let the silence fall over them again. Then, he heard someone calling his name.

“Chris? That you?”

He looked down. It was Hannah. She squinted up at him.

“Oh, hey Han,” he said. “What’re you doing out here?”

“Looking for you. I went to your house but no one was home.” She started climbing up the rocks. “Make room, I’m coming up.”

Chris scooted, and Josh moved out of the way to hover near the edge. Hannah hoisted herself onto the ledge and sat down next to Chris.

“Why were you looking for me?” he asked.

“I felt bad for not saying much when you came over,” she said. “You know I don’t deal with sadness well. I run away.”

“It’s okay,” Chris said. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“I know. I just wanted to spend some time with you.” She looked out at the water. “Man, I remember when you and Josh would come up here all the time. If we ever couldn’t find you, this was the place to look. I didn’t know you still came out here.”

“I don’t. This is the first time in a while,” Chris said. “I’m not even sure why I thought of it. Just felt like the place to be.”

Hannah nodded. She pulled her windbreaker tighter around herself. “One time Josh tried to run away,” she said. “We found him up here. He said he was going to wait for a boat to come up to the cliffs and then he was going to jump onto it and sail away forever.”

“I remember that. He was, what, eleven?”

“Yeah. I think… I think that’s when things first got bad. Looking back on it. I don’t know how I missed all the signs. I didn’t even know he’d been seeing a therapist until…” she shook her head. “He must’ve felt so alone.”

Chris put his arm around her. “He came back, though. When he ran away.”

“I wish he’d come back this time,” she said, voice quavering. She pressed her face into his shoulder for a moment. Then, sniffling, she said, “Why are your pants wet?”

He looked down and suppressed a smile. “I ran into the water.”

“Why?”

He glanced at Josh and let himself smile fully. “Seemed like the dumb kinda thing Josh would do.”

**\---**

The next day, Chris was forced to interact with his parents when he went to a doctor’s appointment for his annual checkup. It was awkward and quiet and he was happy to hurry up to his room when it was over. Josh was sitting on his bed, a piece of paper and a marker in front of him.

“Look what I made,” he said proudly. Chris leaned over his shoulder and read the paper. Written in somewhat shaky writing that was still distinctly Josh’s, it said _IF YOU DO ANYTHING TO HURT MY SISTER OR BREAK HER HEART, I WILL HAUNT YOUR ASS TIL THE END OF TIME, MUNROE._

“Oh my God,” Chris muttered. “How long did that take you?”

“Hours,” Josh said. “Holding things is exhausting. But is it threatening enough? Think it’ll scare him?”

“I feel like this is a bad idea,” Chris said.

“You have said that about like, everything we’ve had to do,” Josh pointed out.

“Well yeah, but like, this is super mean. And terrifying.”

“Hannah is naive and gets hurt easily,” Josh said. “I love her, but it’s true. If Mike pulls any shit, it would crush her. She deserves better. I’m looking out for my sister, Chris. It’s my job.” He crossed his arms. “And you said you would help me.”

“Alright, alright,” Chris said. “I’m still gonna help you. Just seems a bit horror movie to me.”

“My specialty,” Josh said, grinning. “Tonight, we’re gonna pay ol’ Mikey a little visit.”

When it was late enough in the evening that Josh thought Mike would probably be asleep, Chris snuck downstairs, Josh’s threatening note in his pocket. He slipped out the front door and got into his car, praying his parents wouldn’t hear it starting up. He kept his lights off until he was out of sight of their bedroom window.

“Very sneaky,” Josh said approvingly. “You’re a natural, dude.”

“I hate this,” Chris said. He buzzed with anxiety. “We’re gonna get caught.”

“Well you might,” Josh said. “I ain’t gotta worry about shit. Ghost perks.”

“Shut up, dude. I’m this close to turning the car around.”

“Oh, relax. This is gonna be fine.”

They got to Mike’s house and Chris parked a few houses down, just in case. Then he got out of the car and crept over to Mike’s yard. He dropped to the ground when they got close enough, crawling so he was hidden by the bushes under Mike’s bedroom window.

“Okay, gimme the note,” Josh said. Chris fished around in his hoodie pocket and then handed Josh the folded slip of paper. “Showtime,” Josh said with a too-wide grin. Chris tried not to let his utter panic show on his face. Josh gripped Mike’s bedroom window and wiggled it open enough to squeeze the note through before he just sort of appeared inside the house. Chris lifted his head as high as he dared, enough to be able to see inside.

Mike was asleep in his bed, snoring softly. Josh drifted over to his unconscious form. With considerable effort, Josh grabbed Mike’s blanket and yanked it off him.

With a grunt, Mike startled awake, blinking sleepily and staring at his blanket. “Hhh,” he muttered unintelligibly. Josh had a hard look in his eye. He went over to the stupid guitar Mike had but never used and strummed the strings forcefully. Mike jerked his head over to look at the guitar, startled. “What the fuck?” he said. Josh strummed it again. Now Mike looked scared. “Who the fuck is there?” he hissed, grabbing his covers again and pulling them up like a shield.

Josh yanked the sheets out of Mike’s hands. Mike let out a tiny scream. Chris winced. This felt super mean. Even if Mike had been a dick about Hannah, this felt like overkill. Everything else they’d done had helped someone. How exactly was this helping Mike?

“W-what do you want?” Mike said fearfully. He’d backed up against his wall. “Listen, whatever… demon or spirit is in here right now, leave me alone.”

Josh picked the paper up off the ground and threw it at Mike. Chris tried to imagine how it must look to him, floating on its own. Mike yelped and then unfolded the note with shaky hands, reading the words several times before looking up with wide eyes.

“Sweet baby Jesus… Josh?” he said quietly. “Holy fucking hell. Is this for real?”

As if in response, Josh pulled Mike’s sheet over his own head, and for a brief moment his body was outlined by the blankets. Mike didn’t even make a sound, just stared at the figment in horrified wonder. Then the strain of all of this seemed to catch up with Josh, and the blanket crumpled to the ground as Josh phased through it. He’d reached his limit. He turned to make eye contact with Chris and gave him a double thumbs up. Chris dropped to his stomach and crawled away from the window again, hoping Josh would follow him. He got back to his car and let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. A moment later, Josh appeared in the passenger seat, looking triumphant.

“That was fucking intense, dude,” Chris told him, feeling a bit shaken. Josh just laughed.

“Better get outta here,” he said. Chris started up his car and drove away, headed for home. Josh kicked his feet up on the dash and let out a loud whoop of victory.

“Shh,” Chris said.

“No one can hear me, bro!” Josh crowed. “Man, that felt good! Really scared the shit out of him, huh? Fucking dick.”

Chris frowned. “I didn’t like that,” he said. Josh let out an impatient noise.

“Don’t be such a pussy,” he said.

“I’m not! I’m just… Mike’s our friend. That was really fucked up, dude.”

“If he’s gonna treat Hannah that way, he’s not our friend,” Josh said icily. Chris shot him a look, affronted. He’d known that Josh could be a bit irrational, holding grudges like no tomorrow and he had a thing for vengeance, but Chris had never seen it in action. Not like this. He pulled the car over to the side of the road and fixed Josh with a stern glare.

“Listen, bro. I care about you, and I meant it when I said I was willing to help with whatever you needed for this… this unfinished business shit. But I gotta draw the line somewhere, and this is it. I won’t do this kind of thing again. It’s mean, and it’s hurtful, and that’s not the kind of legacy I want to help you leave behind.” Josh opened his mouth to speak, but Chris pressed on, insistent. “Like, all the other things we’ve done so far? Those were nice things. Matt and Jess and Ashley, they’re gonna have fond memories of you, and they should. You were a good friend. And I know Mike can be a dickweed sometimes, but you guys have been friends since like, middle school. He deserves something nice, not to be scared half to death.” He was rambling, and he knew it, so he added lamely, “That’s what I think, anyway.”

Josh’s eyebrows were raised, his mouth still hanging open. When Chris finished speaking, Josh’s expression shifted to one of guilt, and he dropped his gaze. “Uh… yeah. Shit. You’re right. Fuck.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “Just… Mike said such shitty things about Hannah.”

“Yeah, and that’s not cool, I agree. But dude, no offense, Mike’s not the only one who’s talked shit about a friend,” Chris said. “You gonna tell me you’ve never made fun of me behind my back? I know for a fact you talked shit about me last year when you were pissed at me for hanging out with Ashley more than you, that week we had a group project.”

“That’s… that’s different, that was stupid. I didn’t mean it,” Josh said, an edge to his voice.

“And Mike probably didn’t mean it either, man.” Chris put his hand on Josh’s knee, and Josh’s eyes widened slightly. He met Chris’s imploring gaze nervously. “I know you’re angry. You have a right to be. But is this really what you wanna be doing?”

“...no,” Josh sighed. “Fuck, man, why are you always right? I hate it.”

“Sorry,” Chris said, starting the car again. “So what do you wanna do?”

“Ugh. I guess I’ll have to figure out something nice to do for Mike. Not tonight, though.”

“Thank god. I’m tired,” Chris said. He pulled up into his driveway and they both snuck back into the house. Chris’s parents were still asleep, blissfully unaware of their son’s midnight mission. Chris had just gotten up to his room and was about to change into his pajamas when he heard something thunk against his window.

“What the fuck...?” he muttered, walking over just in time to see a rock smack against the glass. He opened the window and peered out. Mike was standing on his lawn below, arm raised as if to throw another rock. “Dude, what the hell are you doing?” he hissed.

“Chris! The craziest shit just happened to me! I need to talk to you!” Mike said, a little too loudly for the late hour.

“Shh! Mike, it’s the middle of the night, keep your voice down,” Chris said. “Hang on, I’ll let you inside.” He turned from the window and gave Josh a disgruntled look. “Mike Munroe is throwing rocks at my window. What the fuck kind of weird rom com did I just fall into?” he whispered. Josh held up his hands disarmingly.

“I did not expect this,” he said. Chris shook his head and pushed past Josh, hurrying downstairs to let Mike inside. He beckoned him through the doorway, holding a finger to his lips.

“Let’s go up to my room. Be quiet or my parents are gonna wake up and get pissed,” he said. Mike nodded, and followed Chris up to his bedroom. As soon as the door was shut behind them, Mike practically exploded.

“Chris, you’re not gonna believe this. It was fucking insane. I don’t even know if I believe it. But I don’t have any explanation! Fucking shit.”

“Mike, slow down,” Chris said. “What, uh, what happened?”

“I was sleeping, and then something pulled the sheets off my bed. And then my guitar was strumming by itself, and then… well, look at this!” He pulled the note Josh had written out of his pocket and shoved it into Chris’s hands. Chris looked down at it and tried to pretend this was his first time seeing it.

“Um,” he said uncertainly.

“That’s Josh’s handwriting,” Mike said. “I checked it against his signature in my yearbook from last year. I don’t know where it came from. But Chris, I swear to fucking god, I think… I think Josh was _in my room_. Like, as a ghost.” He ran a hand through his hair. He looked manic, pacing back and forth. “Goddamn. I know you don’t believe in ghosts, but I had to tell you. You were his best friend. I thought you’d want to know he was like, crossing over from the spirit world or some shit. Even if he is some kind of poltergeist.”

Chris choked back a laugh that he disguised as a cough. “Yeah, no. I… I believe you, Mike.”

“You do?” Mike said, surprised. He stopped pacing.

“Yeah, I do,” Chris said. “I know I didn’t used to believe in ghosts, but like. I dunno. This seems pretty legit.”

Mike nodded, taking the paper back and looking at it. “He’s talking about Hannah,” he said, as if it wasn’t obvious. “God. I’ve been kind of a dick. Not to her face, but… fuck. I never would have done anything. Especially not after… I mean, who would be shitty to someone when their brother died? I know I have a reputation, but Christ. I’m not that bad.” He looked at Chris again, and his eyes were sad. “Did Josh… did he ever say anything to you? About like, hating me or something? I thought we were friends.”

Chris sighed heavily and sat down on his bed. Mike joined him after a moment, hands clasped in his lap. “Mike… I honestly don’t know. He never said anything to me. But he’s… he was a complicated guy. There was shit even I didn’t know about.”

Mike let out a soft chuckle. “Yeah. Guess you’re right. I just feel bad, you know? If he did have a problem with me. I know we weren’t like, super close, but I didn’t have anything against him. I liked him, he was a cool dude. Fun to party with. Funny as hell. I was really fucked up when I heard what he did.”

“Yeah?” Chris said. He supposed he wasn’t surprised that Mike was affected by Josh’s death; they all had been. But he hadn’t talked to Mike since it happened. Even at the funeral, they hadn’t spoken. Mike had looked stoic and unreadable then.

“Yeah,” Mike said. “Kept thinking about how like, I should’ve talked to him more. You take that shit for granted, you know?” Chris thought he detected a waver in Mike’s voice. Shit, was Mike going to cry? Chris had never seen Mike cry before in his life. He put a hand awkwardly on his friend’s back, and Mike put his face in his hands. His shoulders shook. Chris made eye contact with Josh from across the room. Josh looked just as confounded by all of this as Chris felt.

“S’okay, man,” Chris said after a moment.

“Fuck,” Mike said, wiping at his eyes. “Sorry, dude. Jesus. Here I am bitching to you when you were his best friend. And I haven’t even asked you how you’ve been holding up.” He shook his head. “I _am_ an asshole.”

“No, dude, it’s cool,” Chris said. “I’m okay. Getting there, at least.”

“Matt said you’re finally texting him back,” Mike said.

“Yeah. I just needed space.”

“I should have texted you,” Mike said. “I’ve been a shit friend.”

“Mike, it’s fine.”

“No it isn’t,” Mike insisted. “Maybe that’s why Josh came back to haunt me specifically. It’s like a fucking wakeup call, I’m telling you. I should go visit the twins tomorrow. I haven’t even talked to them since October.”

Chris was impressed by Mike’s determination. “They’d appreciate that, I bet. I was just talking to Hannah the other day. I think she needs someone to reach out. She’s not gonna do it herself.”

“I’m not gonna do anything sleazy,” Mike said. “Just gonna be a friend. I swear.”

“I believe you,” Chris said.

“I know. I’m just… just saying it in case Josh’s spirit followed me here or something,” Mike said. Josh laughed from his place in the corner of the room, and Chris had to fight to keep from reacting. Mike, oblivious to all of this, stood up. “Okay, I’ll leave now. Sorry to come busting in your house like this. I just had to tell you.”

“It’s cool.” Chris stood up too. Mike shifted awkwardly.

“Oh, and uh, could you not tell anyone about this?” he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I mean about me crying or whatever. Kind of embarrassing.”

“I got you,” Chris said. “No worries, man.”

“Sweet. Thanks. Alright, I’ll let myself out.” Mike headed for Chris’s door.

“Keep it down,” Chris reminded him. Mike lifted his hand in a thumbs-up before he left, clicking Chris’s door shut behind him.

“Well then,” Josh said when they were alone again. “That was… weird.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Chris said, dropping back down onto his bed. Josh came over and joined him. “You know, I think in a weird way that haunting shit _was_ good for him.”

Josh started to smile. “You don’t say?”

“I mean, yeah. Seems like maybe he needed a little scare to jump-start him into being a better person. Good to know he has it in him.” Chris flopped onto his back with a yawn. “I’m wiped, dude.”

“Go to bed, then,” Josh said. “If any more dudes come throwing rocks at your window I’ll scare them off.”

“My knight in shining armor,” Chris joked. Sleepiness was getting rid of his filter; normally saying something like that would have gotten him all flustered and self-conscious, but when Josh just laughed in response, Chris felt fine. And then, not even under his covers, still fully clothed, Chris was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter might be a while again, definitely not til after christmas, so i hope you guys have a good holiday if you celebrate it!! 
> 
> up next time: emily aka the ice queen love of my life


	7. distraction is the best medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Emily and some revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wassup yall, i hope everyone who celebrates it had a good christmas! as my gift to you, here's a chapter that ended up being a lil more angsty than i meant it to be, whoopsie. 
> 
> just a note, i think it's pretty obvious that this entire story deals with suicide quite a lot, so i'm assuming if you're reading this you're keeping any potential triggers that come with that in mind, so that's why i don't warn about things before each specific chapter. but! if that's something anyone needs me to do, let me know. there's only a few more chapters left i think (probably like, 4 after this one??) but still, i'd be more than willing to do so. anyway, enjoy!

Following the questionably successful completion of the Mike task, there was another lengthy period of time without any missions from Josh. Chris was relieved; after what happened with Mike, he was hesitant to see what would come next. The weeks passed as before, except that instead of watching endless TV, Josh insisted that Chris get out of the house more. They spent time walking around the park or the beach, and a few times they went to the arcade. Chris also tried to keep up conversations via text message to Ashley, Beth, and Matt. The others texted him sometimes, too, but these three were the most persistent. He did have to admit, it was kind of nice talking to them again. 

Christmas came and went, a fairly somber affair, all things considered. Chris spent more time with his parents than he had since Josh’s death, and it was hard but not as hard as he’d thought it would be. Maybe it was because it was Christmas, but they didn’t press him to talk about his feelings, and that made it easier. Josh had tried to lighten the mood later by cracking some joke about being the ghost of Christmas past, present, and future, saying, “It’s a Christmas Carol, bro. Get it? CHRIStmas?” To which Chris had rolled his eyes so hard he almost gave himself a headache. 

He could tell he was slipping a bit back into his denial phase, but he was showering regularly and getting fresh air, so it was at least an improvement from before. One morning in early January, he and Josh were laying on their backs on Chris’s bed, Josh watching as Chris tossed a hacky sack in the air and caught it over and over.

“You should go back to school,” Josh said thoughtfully. Chris was so taken aback by the suggestion that he fumbled and let the hacky sack smack down onto his face.

“No thanks,” he said. “I’ve already missed like, half my senior year. I’m too far behind at this point. I’ll just do what the twins are doing, get my GED later.”

Josh sat up, a frown creasing his brow. “What do you mean, what the twins are doing? Are they not going to school either?”

“Dude, they stopped going to school same time as me,” Chris said, sitting up as well. “You didn’t know that?”

“No, I didn’t fucking know that,” Josh said irritably. He seemed completely baffled by this news. “Why would they stop going to school? They’re so smart! Beth was probably gonna be valedictorian next year!”

“I don’t know, Josh, maybe because their brother died?” Chris said pointedly. Josh’s frown deepened. “Seriously, bro, why are you always so surprised when people are sad about you being dead? Like, what did you expect?”

“I knew people would be sad,” Josh mumbled. “I guess I just… I don’t know. I kind of thought… whatever.”

“What? What did you think, Josh?” Chris said. He was getting frustrated with having to go through this time and time again. 

“I thought you’d all be relieved. Like, a burden was finally gone. You wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.”

A cold feeling settled in the pit of Chris’s stomach at Josh’s words, and that quickly shifted to a surge of anger. “You know what? Fuck you, man,” he said. Josh looked startled.

“Chris…” he began, but Chris was getting off the bed, a slight tremor in his hands.

“No. I can’t… I just… how the fuck could you even  _ think  _ something like that? What the fuck, Josh?” He took a deep breath through his nose. “I need a minute. Don’t follow me,” he added, and then he stomped out of his room. Hardly thinking, he went to the kitchen and took a beer from the fridge before he went out into the yard. His parents weren’t home, so no one was there to stop him from climbing up the ladder leaning against the side of the house that led to the roof. He sat on the roof and cracked open the beer, chugging it until his stomach felt queasy, and then he set the bottle beside him and hugged his knees to his chest. It was cold as shit outside, and he hadn’t put on a jacket, but he wasn’t quite ready to talk to Josh yet. 

He knew anger wasn’t helping, and he’d tried all these weeks to refrain from lashing out at Josh. Being mad wouldn’t change things. Even now, he felt his pissy mood seeping out of him. After a few minutes, he saw Josh slowly floating up to the roof, holding Chris’s hoodie in one hand. When he reached Chris’s eye level, Chris leaned forward and snatched the item from his hands.

“Dude, what’re you doing?” he hissed. “If my neighbors saw this floating through the air on its own, they’d flip out!”

“I was being careful,” Josh said sheepishly. He watched quietly while Chris put the hoodie on. Chris took a long pull from his beer to finish it off, and Josh said, “Day drinking, Cochise? Really?” Chris scowled at him for a moment, and then he sighed and patted the space on the roof next to him. Josh visibly sagged with relief before he dropped down beside him, and Chris waited for him to speak.

“I’m sorry,” Josh said softly. He glanced sideways at Chris as if to gauge his reaction.

“Did you honestly think we’d be relieved that you were dead?” Chris said. The anger was gone from his voice, replaced by a kind of tired sadness. Josh hunched his shoulders defensively.

“I dunno. I guess.” A beat of silence. “Okay, maybe I didn’t really. But… Chris, you don’t understand. I don’t want you to ever be able to understand how I felt. I was so miserable. I just wanted out. And I guess it made me feel less guilty about it if I believed that you’d all be better off without me. That you’d all be happier.” 

Chris stared into the top of his empty bottle and willed himself not to cry. “Do you regret it?” he asked, voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper.

“What, killing myself?” Josh asked. Chris nodded. “I… I regret that it hurt people as much as it did. I didn’t realize… but seeing how messed up everyone’s been about it, I feel bad. Seeing how much it’s hurt my family. How much it’s hurt you.” He swallowed. “I regret that. But I don’t know if I regret doing it. It kind of felt inevitable. If it wasn’t then, it’d have been in a year, or a month, or a week, even.”

“Fuck,” Chris muttered. A tear escaped despite his best efforts, and he swiped it away. Josh sidled closer to him and after a moment rested his head on Chris’s shoulder. 

“Hey,” he said, clearly attempting to sound cheerful. “Wanna know why I brought up school?”

“Why?” Chris said, clearing his throat and trying to match Josh’s lighthearted tone.

“Because I was thinking about our next little mission,” Josh said. “Remember how I was on the debate team?”

“Yeah, with Emily, right?” Chris said. “Is this about her?”

“Got it in one, Cochise. There’s this big debate tournament next month, like every school in the state is competing. The winner gets a sweet scholarship.” Josh straightened up. “You still have my phone, right?” 

“Yeah, it’s in my room,” Chris said.

“Cool. I have all these notes and resources on there that I put together for Emily a while ago, I never got around to sending them to her. With my help, she’s got this in the bag.”

“Weren’t you the only one who was ever able to beat her?” Chris asked. Josh nodded, looking smug. “So I don’t get it. Why would you give her the notes? Didn’t you want to win?”

Josh’s smile turned into more of a grimace. “Yeah, I wasn’t exactly planning on being around long enough to put the scholarship to use,” he said. Chris felt his stomach drop as the meaning of Josh’s words hit him.

“Oh,” he said nervously. 

“Quit looking at me like that,” Josh said. “C’mon, enough with talking about me offing myself. Too much serious shit for one day.” He stood up. “Let’s go grab my phone and find out when Emily gets out of school.”

Chris eased himself back down the ladder while Josh floated down beside him. They went back in the house and Chris shifted shit around on his desk until he found Josh’s phone. Josh directed him to look in the Notes app, and Chris found a highly detailed collection of tips and notes for the debate tournament. He’d written down everything from pointers on the proper posture to common mistakes Emily made that she’d need to work on to avoid. At the bottom of the note, Josh had written “You got this. Knock ‘em dead.” 

He couldn’t help but wonder why Josh had all these plans when he apparently knew he’d be killing himself. Then again, Josh had always been one for starting things he didn’t intend to finish.

Chris texted Mike asking when Emily got out of school, and Mike said she was usually home by 4:30. While they waited, the boys indulged themselves and watched the first two  _ Alien _ movies. When it came time to leave, Chris decided against texting Emily to let her know he was coming; though he always pretended otherwise, he was fairly intimidated by Emily, and seeing as they still hadn’t talked since before Josh’s funeral, for some reason he thought it would be easier to show up unannounced. A decision he started to regret when they pulled up in front of her house, which was nearly as expansive as the Washingtons was. 

“What if she’s like, mad that I just showed up?” he said to Josh. Josh, who seemed entirely unfazed, just laughed.

“Bro, you’re the one who wanted to surprise her,” he pointed out.

“Don’t let me make decisions,” Chris replied. Sighing, he got out of the car and walked up to the front door, ringing the bell and then shoving his hands deep into his pockets. A minute later a woman who looked like she was probably Emily’s mom answered. She pursed her lips, appraising Chris.

“Can I help you?” she said.

“Um, hi. I’m Chris. I’m a friend of Emily’s. Is she home?” he stammered. She nodded and held up a finger, indicating he should wait. Then she disappeared back into the house and he heard her calling for Emily.

“Emily! There’s a boy here to see you!”

“Is it Mike?” Emily called back.

“No, it is not Michael. Some boy named Chris?” 

“Oh. Invite him in, I’ll be right there!” 

Emily’s mother returned. “Come in, come in. She’ll be down in a moment.” Chris followed Emily’s mom into the house, Josh lurking behind him. Emily’s mom pointed them to a pristine living room, and Chris took a seat on the couch, rubbing his hands nervously on his knees. 

“Were you friends with Joshua?” Emily’s mother asked. She was standing in the doorway, watching him.

“Um, yeah,” Chris said. “I was his best friend.”

“I was so sorry to hear of his... passing,” Emily’s mom said. “I know Emily took it very hard. She tried to hide it by throwing herself into her schoolwork, and goodness knows she’s studying harder than ever, but I do worry about her. She hardly spends time with anyone besides Michael. It’s good to see a friend coming to visit her.” 

Chris nodded uncertainly. “I think all of Josh’s friends have been spending time alone.”

“I understand, of course,” Emily’s mother said. “Still, it’s so sad. I miss seeing Jessica around. And the Washington girl, Bethany? She was here quite often before…”

“Oh my  _ god _ , mother, what are you doing?” Emily said, pushing past her mother and entering the room. Her eyes fell on Chris and she smiled tightly. “Hi, Chris. You can go now, mom.”

“Alright, alright. I was just keeping your guest company,” she said, and then she turned on her heel and left. Emily sat down delicately on the couch next to Chris. She seemed almost… nervous. Chris had never seen Emily nervous before. And because of him? What the hell.

“Not much for calling ahead, are you?” she said. He flushed.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. I should’ve let you know I was coming over. Um, how are you?”

“I think you already know. I heard my mom giving you the same sob story she told that therapist she tried to send me to.”

“You saw a therapist?” Chris said, a bit surprised.

“I had exactly one session. I don’t need therapy. I need distractions. Hence ‘throwing myself into my schoolwork,’ as mom said.” She shrugged. “It is what it is. But how are you doing?”

“Not amazing,” Chris said. 

“Understandable,” she said. “God, it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you. What are you doing here, anyway?”

“I have something for you,” he said. She raised an eyebrow. “Something from Josh.”

“Oh,” she said, and a flicker of pain crossed her face before it was replaced with her stoic mask once more. “What is it?”

“Here,” he said, and he pulled Josh’s phone out of his pocket. Her eyes widened.

“Is that Josh’s phone? How do you even have that?” 

“I was at the Washington's house the other day, to get some of my stuff from Josh’s room, and I may have… taken it?” he said. She looked scandalized.

“Oh my god, Chris! You can’t just take his phone!”

“I’m gonna give it back,” he said defensively. “Anyway, there’s something on it for you, in his notes.” He pulled up the Notes app and handed it over to Emily, who took it warily and glanced down. As she scrolled through, her gaze softened, and she looked sad. When she got to the end, she pressed a hand over her mouth.

“Oh god…” she whispered. “I had no idea he was going to do this. This is so… thoughtful.” She sighed, setting the phone in her lap. “I don’t get it though. He was better than me, we both knew that. I mean, I hated to admit it, but it was the truth. He could’ve won that scholarship no problem. Why’d he want to help me?” Chris didn’t say anything, but the realization seemed to sink in for Emily before too long. “Fuck,” she said. “He was always going to do it, wasn’t he?”

He knew what she meant. “Seems that way,” he said. She shook her head.

“This is so fucked up,” she said. “I’ve never… I mean, I’d never even been to a funeral before, you know? I didn’t know anyone who’d died. I still can’t believe he’s dead. I know it’s been months, but sometimes I’ll think that maybe it’s all some sick joke.”

“Imagine if it was,” Chris said. She looked sideways at him and her mouth twisted into a wry smile.

“I’d kick his fucking ass,” she said. Then her smile faltered. “God, what I’d give to be able to shout at him across the debate room again. Shit.” She picked up the phone again. “I’m going to send this to myself.”

“I’m glad you’re still doing the debate,” Chris said. “I was kinda worried maybe you’d given up or something.” 

“Hell no,” she said. “I told you, I’m using everything to distract myself, and debate is an excellent distraction. Besides, now I’ve got even more reason to win. I’ll win it for Josh.” 

Chris was a bit surprised by her sentiment, but she seemed determined enough. Josh, who had been watching all of this from a few feet away, looked extremely touched. 

“I cared about him,” Emily said suddenly. “His friendship was important to me. All of you, your friendships mean a lot to me. I know you might not believe that. I’m not the cuddliest person, that’s just not my style.”

“I know, Em,” Chris said. “We all know. I’m sure Josh knew, too.”

“I hope so,” she said. A fierce look was in her eyes, and Chris had to stop himself from cowering. “We can’t lose anyone else, okay? We can’t lose each other.”

“We won’t,” he said uncertainly.

“I mean it, Chris.” She grabbed his wrist and he was surprised by how strong her grip was. “Stay for dinner?”

“Uh,” he said. “Yeah, sure.”

She smiled, releasing him and patting his arm gently. “Good. Mom’s making pasta.” 

\---

When Chris and Josh returned home that evening, Chris was still reeling from his visit with Emily. He’d known she cared, or at least he’d assumed so, but to hear her say it was another thing altogether. Emily had never been a particularly affectionate friend. It warmed his heart to know she was there for him, even if dinner at her house had been one of the more awkward experiences of his life. 

“I’m gonna shower,” he told Josh, tossing his jacket onto the bed and then leaving to the bathroom. He took his time, feeling the residual tension leave his shoulders as he let the bathroom steam up. When he’d toweled off and gotten into his pajamas, he walked back to his room. He paused outside the door, because he heard a muffled voice that wasn’t Josh’s coming from inside. In fact, it kind of sounded like his own voice. He pushed open the door and felt his guts turn to ice. 

Josh’s phone was on the bed, Josh standing there and staring at it. The phone was playing a voicemail, Chris’s slurred voice coming through. He remembered quite vividly that night, after Josh’s death but before his funeral, when he’d gotten drunk and called Josh’s phone, left a message he’d assumed would never see the light of day

“...’m so fucking fucked up,” Chris said on the voicemail. He chuckled, words slurring together. “Fuck, I feel sick. God damn it, Josh. Why’d you have to go and fucking die, bro? What the fuck… why did you have to fucking leave me?” A pause, the silence broken by wet snuffling sounds. “An’ I never got to fucking… fuckin’ tell you. I love you. Fuck. I don’t just mean I love you like you’re my bro, I mean I’m so fucking in love with you, Josh. So fucking…” He trailed off again, a quiet sob replacing his words. Josh closed his eyes, and Chris stood in the doorway, twisting his hands in the hem of his shirt and debating whether or not he should just sprint across the room and throw the phone out the window.

But the voicemail was not over, and Chris found himself frozen in place as his voice continued on the phone. “Figures I’d only get around to saying it now, when you’ll never hear me say it. Damn it!” A loud clattering, and more muffled swears. “I fucking fell on my ass. God damn it. I’m so fucking wasted, dude. You always told me I act like a fucking jackass when I’m drunk. You’re right. Always right. I’m so fucking sorry, Josh. I’m sorry I never told you the truth. I shoulda… shoulda just fuckin’ told you. I’d give anything to... Fuck. I miss you.” 

The line went dead. Chris forced himself to move, stepping into the room and standing by the bed, reaching over to hang up the voicemail call. Josh looked at him, and his expression was unreadable. His lips were pressed in a thin line, and his eyes were hard. Chris could practically see the hundreds of unspoken questions in Josh’s mind. What was he thinking, what was he feeling? Disgust? Anger? Maybe… reciprocation? But no, that was just wishful thinking on Chris’s part. Pity, he concluded. That’s what the look was. 

“So, uh…” Chris began, desperate to break the silence. Josh suddenly gripped him in a tight hug, pressing his cheek against Chris’s shoulder. Josh’s hands were firm against his back, and after a moment’s hesitation Chris put his arms around Josh, too. They stood that way in silence, and Chris knew he should feel more pathetic about this little consolation hug, but he decided to just let it be what it was. When Josh finally let him go, he kept a grip on Chris’s upper arms.

“Um,” Chris said. “What are you…?”

“Stop,” Josh said. “I don’t wanna talk about this. Let’s just… just go to bed, huh? You look tired.”

Feeling ashamed and stupid, Chris nodded and climbed into bed. Josh hesitated before sitting on the bed beside him, petting Chris’s hair absently. 

“You don’t have to do that, dude,” Chris said, turning red even as he leaned into the touch. “I don’t want you doing shit for me out of pity.”

“Go to sleep, dumbass,” Josh replied. 

Sensing they weren’t going to get any further in this discussion for the time being, Chris complied, closing his eyes as Josh carded his fingers through Chris’s hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: ends every single chapter with sleeping for some reason whoops
> 
> up next: let's climb a fuckin' mountain, yo.


	8. making a molehill out of a mountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris tries to climb things. As expected, he is not good at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no offense but sam is my wife and i have.... a lot of feelings..... about sam and chris's friendship.... anyway this is a bit shorter than the chapters have been lately but i hope you still enjoy it!!

“Absolutely not.”

“Come  _ on _ , Chris, don’t be a fucking baby.”

“Josh, no. I am physically incapable of this. I can’t do it!” Chris threw up his arms in exasperation, and Josh made a scathing sound.

“Bro, I’ve been to the rock gym a bunch of times, it’s not that hard. It’s not like I’m asking you to climb Everest!” he said. 

“Might as well be,” Chris grumbled. “I don’t get why I even need to do this if you’ve been there before, anyway.”

“I told you, I haven’t ever gone with Sam even though I told her I would a bunch of times.” Josh grabbed Chris’s hand. “Please, man? I promise it’ll be fine. I’ll catch you if you fall and everything.”

“Right, because me floating through the air wouldn’t look strange at all,” Chris muttered, turning red and yanking his hand away. “Okay, okay, I’ll do it. But I’m not happy about it.”

“Atta boy,” Josh said. “There’s the positive attitude I’ve come to expect from you.” 

Chris made a face at him before grabbing his shoes and tugging them on. “So you said Sam will be at the gym right now?”

“Should be,” Josh said with a nod. “She’s usually there on Saturdays until like, fourish.”

“Let’s go then, I guess,” Chris sighed. Josh beamed at him. 

Ever since that night when Josh had played Chris’s voicemail, it felt like the two of them were walking on eggshells around each other. Chris was trying desperately not to make it weird -- or at least, weirder than it already was with Josh being a ghost and all -- and he could tell Josh was trying to do the same, acting extra chipper and gung-ho about literally everything. It was like when Josh used to have manic phases, but more orchestrated instead of spontaneous. Chris wished he’d never left Josh that stupid voicemail. What good did it do for Josh to know about his feelings now? What good would it have ever done? 

“You okay, dude?” Josh asked him. Chris blinked and glanced over at his friend in the passenger seat of the car. He’d been spacing out, and had been driving almost on autopilot. He turned into the parking lot of the rock gym and nodded slowly.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He unbuckled his seatbelt and gave Josh a faint smile. Josh punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“You nervous you’re gonna embarrass yourself in front of Sam?” he said teasingly. Chris laughed.

“Because I’ve never done that before,” he said. 

“True. Sam knows you’re a fucking dork,” Josh said. The two of them got out of the car and walked through the sliding glass doors into the gym. It smelled like rubber and chalk and sweat, and Chris eyed all the ripped dudes and muscley girls attaching themselves to harnesses and hoisting themselves up the various rock walls like it was nothing. 

“Don’t worry, I bet they all have secret ghost friends holding them up,” Josh said unhelpfully. Chris furrowed his brow, unable to retort in the crowded area. He spotted Sam sitting on a bench, wiping sweat from her forehead, and he caught her eye and waved awkwardly. She looked surprised and hurried over to him.

“Chris! Hi!” she said, grabbing him in a hug. She somehow still managed to smell like flowers, even when she was all sweaty. How did she do that? Sam was an enigma. “What’re you doing here?”

“Uh, I’m here to climb,” he said. “Y’know, with you.”

Sam laughed, but when she saw the uncomfortable yet determined look on Chris’s face, her laughter faded. “Wait, for real?”

“Yes! Jeez,” he said, embarrassed. 

“...why?” she asked.

“Because! I wanted to spend time with you!” he exclaimed. “Plus, um, I know Josh promised to do this with you and he never did, so… here I am.”

Sam nodded thoughtfully. “Oh right, you’ve been doing a bunch of random stuff in Josh’s name lately, haven’t you?”

“I guess.”

“Huh. Well, okay. Come on, let’s get you some climbing shoes and a helmet and stuff.” She led him over to the rental table and they got him all geared up, and then Sam was clipping a carabiner to his harness that attached to a rope, and he stared at the rock wall in front of him with trepidation.

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Sam asked, getting hooked up next to him. Chris absolutely did not, but these past few months doing these tasks for Josh had taught him that it was best to just fake it. He turned to Sam.

“Totally. I’m good.” He reached up to grab one of the brightly colored grips jutting out from the rock. Josh, at his side, pointed out one of the shapes by his feet.

“You’ll wanna step there,” he said. Chris tilted his chin slightly in thanks and stepped up. It was painstakingly slow going, and Sam was already far above him, but Chris figured slow and steady was the best way to prevent falling backwards and dangling from the rope like an ass. With Josh’s direction, he was able to get halfway up the wall without incident. Sam looked down at him and gave him a thumbs up.

“You’re doing great!” she said. 

He was red-faced and panting, clinging to the wall for dear life. Sam looked completely at ease, leaning back against her harness as she reached the top of the wall. She was so far above him; how high were they, anyway? He chanced a glance down below and his eyes bugged out. “We’re so high up! What the fuck? Why do people do this for fun?!”

“Relax, you goof,” Sam said, shimmying down to his level. “You’re like, barely seven feet up.”

“This is horrifying,” he informed her. She pursed her lips.

“Wanna go on a shorter wall?” she asked. He nodded frantically, and they both climbed back down. The next wall Sam brought him to still looked far too tall for his liking, but Sam was already on her way up so he had no choice but to follow. He was doing okay, actually, though he tried to ignore the fact that a seven-year-old kid was climbing faster than he was. When he made it to the top where Sam was waiting, his hands ached but he felt triumphant.

“I fuckin’ beat you,” he said, smacking the rock wall. Sam looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“Nice work, kid. Although, you know, this is the easiest wall in the whole gym.”

“That makes me feel so capable, thanks Sam,” he deadpanned. She grinned and bumped him with her shoulder. Unfortunately, this caused him to lose his footing and he slid down the wall very quickly before the rope tightened and stopped his fall about two feet off the ground. He bumped his forehead against the wall and groaned. 

“Shit! Are you okay?” Sam asked, looking down at him with concern. 

“I’m fine,” he said, grimacing. “Some serious chafing going on right now, though,” he added, gesturing to where the harness looped around his thighs. Sam made a sympathetic noise.

Chris got back down to the ground and unclipped himself, watching Sam gracefully descend. She unclipped her harness and appraised him.

“Wanna go to the food court and get cheesy fries?” she asked. He nodded gratefully. Shaking her head fondly, Sam led him over to the area with a fast food counter and a few plastic tables. She ordered one plate of cheesy fries for Chris and a rather sad-looking salad for herself, and the two of them sat at one of the tables. Sam snorted at the way Chris limped into his seat.

“Don’t laugh at me, I’m wounded,” he whined. She chuckled.

“You’re a big baby,” she said.

“This is your fault, Samantha,” he said. “You knocked me off balance!”

“Okay, yeah, that was my bad,” she conceded. “Sorry, pal.” She jabbed at a wilted piece of lettuce and sighed. “This is the most pathetic salad I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s what you get for ordering something healthy at a place like this,” Chris said. “Shoulda gone with the cheesy fries, yo.”

“I’m vegan, you ding-dong,” she said. 

“Whoops,” he said. 

Sam seemed to be pondering something. After a moment, she said, “So what’s the deal with you, Chris? Why are you doing all these random things Josh was supposed to do?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Just ‘cause.”

“You know you’re not like, obligated to fill his shoes, right?” she said gently. He frowned at her in confusion. “I just mean, you know, he was kind of the glue that held the group together, wasn’t he? Kinda seems like you’re trying to be that now.”

“That’s not… I don’t know. I’m just trying to be nice,” he said. “Give people something meaningful to remember Josh by, y’know?” It wasn’t entirely a lie, so he didn’t feel too bad saying it.

Sam smiled sadly. “You’re just too fucking good, you know that?” 

His ears reddened. “Shut up. I’m not.”

“You definitely are.” She tapped his foot with hers under the table. “What do you think’s gonna happen to the group?”

“What do you mean?”

She sighed. “Right, I keep forgetting, you’re not at school. It’s been weird, Chris. Everyone’s sort of drifted off. Like, our lunch table is totally deserted. Mike and Emily sit by themselves, Jess sits with the cheer squad, Matt’s with the football team, Ashley and I sit together sometimes but half the time she’s all holed up in the library… I hardly see the twins anymore, no one sees them.” She rubbed her eyes. “Everyone is in their own little worlds. Feels like we’re all losing each other.”

Josh made a noise of distress by Chris’s side, and Chris startled a little. He’d nearly forgotten his friend was there. “They just need time,” he said to Sam. “It’s been hard on everyone.”  
“I know,” she said. “I just worry that maybe we can’t come back from this. Can’t ever go back to how it was before. Or even anywhere near that.” She chewed her lip anxiously. “Most of us graduate soon, and then what?”

“It’ll be okay, Sam. I promise,” Chris said, though he wasn’t so sure. She looked down at her salad, and her voice wobbled slightly when she spoke next.

“I miss him so much,” she said. 

“Me too,” Chris said softly. She took his hand and squeezed it hard. It hurt, but it was comforting at the same time. What was it Josh had said? Nothing like pain to remind you you’re alive. 

“Hey,” Sam said, clearing her throat. “Promise me no matter what happens… you and me, we’ll stay friends. Okay?”

“Oh my god, Sam, of course. You ain’t gettin’ rid of me that easy,” he said. She smiled at that, and he found himself returning her grin, though his wasn’t quite as big. 

“I think it’s really great, all the things you’ve done for everyone,” Sam said. “It’s helped. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, too, though.”

“I’m trying,” he said. She nodded.

“We should talk more,” she said. “I haven’t seen you since… the funeral, I guess. Wow. God, Chris, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. I know how you felt about him.”

He puffed his cheeks and blew out a slow breath, wishing for the first time that Josh  _ wasn’t  _ lurking right beside him. “Uh, yeah.”

“Do you regret never telling him?” she asked. He tensed, and she immediately said, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, that was so insensitive of me.” 

“No, no, it’s okay.” He bounced his leg, feeling jittery. “Uh, I don’t know. I feel like it would’ve just, you know, made things weird between us.”

“Maybe not, though,” Sam said. “You think he didn’t know already?”

“Didn’t seem like it,” he replied. He could feel Josh’s eyes burning a hole in the side of his head, but he refused to look at him. 

“Yeah? I always kind of thought--” Sam began, but then Josh suddenly leaned forward and knocked Chris’s fries off the table and into his lap. Chris yelped, jumping out of his chair. Cheese sauce dripped down his shirt. Sam stared at him, wide-eyed.

“What the fuck?!” Chris exclaimed angrily.

“What the hell just happened?” Sam asked. She eyed the toppled plate warily. “You must’ve bumped it, right?”

“I guess,” Chris grumbled. He flicked his gaze over to Josh and scowled. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and clean this up, I’ll be right back.” He stormed over to the restrooms, relieved to see they were single-occupancy. As soon as he and Josh were both locked inside, he whirled around to face his friend and hissed, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“It was an accident,” Josh mumbled. Chris barked out a humorless laugh.

“Bullshit. You can’t touch anything without concentrating, you meant to do that! Why are you acting so fucking weird?”

“I’m not,” Josh insisted weakly. Chris ran a hand through his hair.

“Is this about that stupid voicemail?” he asked. Josh avoided his eyes. “Fuck, Josh. Do you hate me now or something?”

“Of course I don’t hate you, jackass,” Josh said irritably. “C’mon, bro, I said I didn’t wanna talk about this.”

“Well, you’re acting super weird, and I don’t like it,” Chris said. “Look, I’m sorry that I made things awkward, okay? If I could, I’d take it all back and you’d never have to know.”

Josh’s frown deepened. “That’s not… ugh. Chris, listen to me. I’m just not good with, you know, mushy stuff. That’s all. I don’t know how to respond to it.”

While that wasn’t entirely untrue, Chris wasn’t convinced by Josh’s reply. But Sam was waiting for him and he could tell Josh wasn’t going to budge on this. “Okay, whatever, fine. Can we just… please act normal again? You don’t have to treat me differently because of this, okay? It… it doesn’t even matter now, anyway. Let’s just move past it.” He looked at Josh imploringly, and his friend sighed.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure, Cochise. I’m sorry for acting so weird.” Josh rubbed the back of his neck. “You know me, I’m stupid sometimes.”

“Stop it,” Chris said. “You’re not stupid.” He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, still covered in cheese. “Jesus, I look gross. Okay, I gotta clean this shit off. You owe me cheesy fries,” he added, no real malice in his voice. Josh chuckled softly.

“Sure, bro.” 

\---

Chris and Sam spent the rest of the afternoon at the beach. They didn’t go to the cliffs -- Chris had had enough climbing for one day -- so they just sat on the sand and watched a man and his little dog play with a frisbee a few feet down the shore. Sam traced shapes in the wet sand and leaned against Chris’s side. 

“You know, I hear a lot of people saying that high school friendships fall apart after graduation,” she said, drawing a spiral pattern with her finger. “I guess I assumed our group would be different. I keep telling myself that if Josh were still here, we’d all still be close. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking.” She looked at him. “Was this inevitable?”

“I don’t like to think of anything as inevitable,” Chris said. He was thinking of the way Josh had spoken of his suicide. 

“Well, you’re sure doing a decent job at salvaging friendships,” Sam said. “Maybe the rest of us should try your method.”

“Oh yeah, if we all just fell off a rock wall together, everything would be back to normal,” Chris said pointedly. Sam let out a snort of laughter. 

“Emily called me the other night,” she said. “Told me about what you did for her.” Chris raised an eyebrow. “Told me you stole Josh’s phone.”

Whoops. Chris flushed. “ _ Borrowed  _ Josh’s phone,” he corrected.

“Uh huh. You’re gonna give it back soon, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” He thought about how many tasks he’d done and realized the members of the Washington family were the only people left to do something for. “Really soon, I’m sure.”

“Okay, good. I won’t tell on you then,” she said. 

“You were gonna tattle on me? How rude!” he said. She rolled her eyes.

“Hannah’s my best friend, you think I’m not gonna tell her that shit?” she pointed out. “But since I trust you to bring it back in a timely manner, your secret is safe with me. And Emily.”

“You’re a pal, Sam.” He put his arm around her. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too, dork,” she said. A brief silence, and then, “When I’m with you, it kinda feels like he’s here. I don’t know how to explain it. Just… a feeling. It’s nice.”

Chris looked over at Josh, who was watching the beginnings of the sunset over the water. He looked beautiful, and peaceful. “I know what you mean,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> up next: spirit boards - fun for the whole family! 
> 
> (ps, feel free to chat with me on tumblr, i'm at zach-stone and i love to cry about these dweebs)


	9. one sincere apology, never before used

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which every member of the Washington family cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a monster and i apologize for how sad this is

When Josh and Chris got back from the rock gym with Sam, Chris decided to voice what had been on his mind for a couple days now.

“So,” he said to Josh. “We’ve crossed off almost everyone on your list.”

“That we have,” Josh agreed. 

“All that’s left is your family.”

“Yep.” Josh looked at him sideways. “You, uh, you talk to Beth a lot lately, huh?”

“Yeah, I mean, we text,” Chris said. 

“How’s she doing?” Josh asked.

“She’s okay. Better than back in November, at any rate.” Chris shrugged. “Sorry I haven’t talked to you much about them. I just figured since you didn’t wanna stick around last time we were there, it might upset you to talk about them.”

“No, that was a good call,” Josh said. “But I can’t avoid ‘em forever.”

“What’s the plan this time?” Chris asked. Josh let out a slow breath.

“I gotta, um… well, I want to apologize. To all of them. I need them to know there’s nothing they did wrong. Nothing they could’ve done.” 

Chris’s brow furrowed. “How exactly are we gonna manage that?”

Josh smiled slightly. “You familiar with spirit boards, Cochise?”

“You’re kidding me,” Chris said, but Josh didn’t appear to be joking. “That hokey shit? For real?”

“C’mon, bro, they’re cool! Me and the twins used to use one all the time. It was fun. Anyway, this time it  _ will  _ be for real.” Josh wiggled his fingers. “I can move the pointer.”

“Okay, sure, but how am I supposed to convince your family to hold a seance with me? Seems a little, I don’t know, disrespectful. The twins  _ might  _ agree to it, but can you really picture your dad playing with a Ouija board?” 

“Hah. Don’t worry, already thought of everything,” Josh said. He explained his plan to Chris, and while it still seemed a bit dodgy in Chris’s opinion, Josh was confident it would work, so he agreed. 

\---

Chris knocked on the Washington’s front door. Hannah answered, looking surprised. “Chris? What’re you doing here?”

“Hey Han,” he said. “Um, there’s something I wanna tell you.”

“Okay…” she said, stepping back to let him inside. He hurried into the foyer, and smiled reassuringly when Hannah appeared concerned. “What’s up?”

“I had a dream last night,” Chris said, repeating the words he’d rehearsed with Josh the night before. “Well, like a vision. It was, um, it was of Josh.”

“A vision?” Hannah said, wide-eyed. “What do you mean?”

“Like, he told me that I needed to perform a seance. He said something about a spirit board in the attic? And that your whole family needed to be a part of it. I know it sounds crazy,” he added for effect. Hannah seemed totally convinced, just as Josh said she’d be. 

“Oh my God,” she said softly. “We  _ do  _ have a spirit board in the attic. Holy shit, Chris. Is this real?”

“I think so,” he said. “Can’t hurt to try it, at any rate. Right?”

She nodded emphatically. “Let’s tell Beth. Oh my gosh.” She led the way up the stairs. Chris glanced back at Josh, who smiled at him. He looked nervous. Chris wondered what he had planned to say if this all actually worked. Hannah knocked on Beth’s door, and she cracked it open enough to stick her head out. 

“What is it?” she asked. Spotting Chris, she added, “Oh, hey Chris. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“Kind of an impromptu visit,” he lied. 

“Tell Beth about your dream,” Hannah insisted. Chris recounted what he’d told Hannah. Beth was not as immediately taken with the idea as her sister had been. That was okay; Josh had predicted this, too. That’s why Hannah was the first person he’d told. 

“That’s a pretty wild dream, Chris,” Beth said skeptically. Hannah clutched her sister’s arm.

“Beth,” she said. “Think about it. We never used that spirit board with friends. How could Chris have even known it existed? I think this is for real.”

Beth frowned. “I don’t know, Hannah….”

“It can’t hurt to try, though, right?” Hannah said, repeating Chris’s words from before. She sounded a bit desperate. “I mean, _what_ _if_ this is real? Just think about it, Beth. A chance to talk to Josh again…” Her voice trailed off, and she took a shuddering breath. Beth bit her lip, debating. 

“We can try,” she said at last. “But getting Mom and Dad in on it… I don’t know if they’ll go for it, Han.”

“Would they, uh, would they do it if you asked them? If you told them it’d mean a lot to you?” Chris suggested. Josh had informed him this was the best way to go about it. Hannah nodded. 

“I think that they would,” she said.  “I’ll go talk to them. Beth, you and Chris go get the board.” 

Beth agreed, and Hannah hurried down the stairs. Beth watched her go, and then turned to Chris with narrowed eyes. He shrunk under her gaze.

“You’re not trying to pull something, are you?” she demanded. He was affronted.

“Of course not! Why the hell would I do that?”

She rubbed at one eye, sighing. “I don’t know. I’m sure you’d have good intentions, just… Hannah can only take so much, Chris. I don’t want her to get hurt even more.”

“She won’t be,” he said. “I hope.”

“I hope so too,” Beth said simply. She led him over to the trapdoor that went to the attic, and he pulled the cord to release the stairs. Beth went up first, clicking on the overhead lamp as she went. It was musty up here, and it smelled like damp cardboard and unfinished wood, like a hardware store. There were a couple old couches and a veritable shit-ton of boxes. Chris scanned the labels while Beth shifted things around in search of the spirit board. There was a box labeled “Winter Holiday Ornaments,” and another “Halloween Ornaments, Part 1.” There were six parts to the Halloween ornaments, Chris discovered. A box containing some of Josh’s stuff was newer, and Chris snuck Josh’s cell phone into it. Hopefully no one would realize it had been missing. He found a partially opened box labeled “Photo Albums” and peered inside. The one on top said “2004.” That was when he and Josh had been nine and ten, respectively. He pulled it out, flipping it open. Josh stood peering over his shoulder.

“Aww,” Chris murmured. There was a picture of himself, Josh, and the twins in Halloween costumes. Hannah was a fairy princess, Beth was Supergirl, and Josh was a gory zombie. Chris was a vampire, too-big plastic fangs poking out of his mouth. Josh had his arm slung around Chris and was pretending to eat his brains. Chris had a face of mock-terror, and Hannah and Beth were grinning obliviously at the camera. There were lots of pictures of Chris and Josh together in this album -- one of them at the beach, Josh climbing on Chris’s back and Chris midway to falling on his face. Another one was the two of them at the junior honor society induction ceremony. They’d tried to have a classy-looking photo, but Josh kept coming up with ridiculous poses, and they ended up standing back-to-back with their fingers up like guns, Charlie’s Angels style. Chris smiled fondly at all the memories. Josh’s chin rested on his shoulder.

“You should keep one of those,” he said softly. “We were cute.”

Chris hummed in response, unable to do anything else with Beth in the room, and slipped the honor society photo out of the album and pocketed it.

“Found it!” Beth called from the other end of the attic, raising the spirit board into the air. Chris gave her a thumbs up and quickly returned the photo album to its box. He got to his feet and met Beth back at the stairs.

“Let’s go,” he said. He was getting nervous. He hoped Josh was able to pull this off. 

They met Hannah in the hall. She gave them a tight smile. “Mom and Dad agreed, but they’re not crazy about the idea.” She looked at her feet. “I hope this works.”

“It will,” Chris said. They all went into the dining room, where Bob and Melinda Washington were sitting at the table. Melinda looked worn, stretched too thin, but she managed to smile at Chris. Bob just looked… empty. Chris had never seen him so devoid of emotion on his face. It made his insides twist painfully. 

Beth set the spirit board in the middle of the table, and she, Hannah, and Chris sat down. “Okay, um… Chris, I guess you should be our medium? Since you had the dream.”

“Is this really necessary?” Bob said roughly. Melinda frowned at him.

“Bob, just… try it. For the kids,” she murmured. Chris shifted nervously in his seat. He was afraid of this, of making Bob and Melinda uncomfortable or upset. But when Josh slipped his hand underneath Chris’s, resting on the Ouija board pointer, he told himself that this would be worth it. Josh would get to talk to his family one last time. 

“Okay, uh, how do I do this,” Chris said, mostly to himself. “Um, Josh? Are you here?”

Josh pushed the pointer over to  _ YES _ . Hannah gasped.

“Did you push it?” Beth demanded.

“I didn’t,” Chris said. Bob and Melinda didn’t say anything. 

“Go on,” Hannah urged.

“Okay…” Chris cleared his throat. “Josh, what do you want to say? Do you have a message for us? For your family?”

The pointer started to move. Josh was breathing harshly in Chris’s ear, all his energy focused on moving the pointer.  _ S-O-R-R-Y _ . 

Melinda made a noise that sounded like a whimper.

“He doesn’t have to be sorry,” Beth said softly. “Chris, tell him.”

“Uh, you don’t have to be sorry, Josh. We forgive you.”

Josh trembled. The pointer moved again.  _ N-O-T.  _ A pause.  _ Y-O-U-R _ . Another pause.  _ F-A-U-L-T _ .

“Is this for real?” Bob said, an edge to his words. “Christopher, are you moving it?”

“I’m not, I swear,” Chris said. 

“Take your hand off it,” Josh said. Chris obeyed. Josh moved it again.  _ N-O-T. C-H-R-I-S. _

“Jesus Christ,” Beth said. Hannah was crying. Melinda took her hand off the pointer, too, covering her mouth. 

“Bob…” she said helplessly. He was staring at the spirit board with a fire in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. He looked more alive than he had when Chris had first arrived, more like the Bob Washington that Chris had grown up knowing.

“Everybody, hands off,” Bob barked. When the twins complied, he said shakily, “Josh?”

_ D-A-D _ . 

“Oh fuck,” Bob said in a strangled voice. 

_ S-O-R-R-Y _ , Josh spelled again.  _ H-U-R-T. Y-O-U _ . 

“Oh Josh,” Melinda sobbed. “No, no. We’re so sorry we didn’t know how much you were hurting. We’re so, so sorry.” 

“We miss you so much,” Hannah said tearfully. “Josh, you were the best brother in the world, you have to know that.”

“Fuck,” Josh said. He was crying now, too. His hand was shaking violently against the pointer. Chris couldn’t speak, didn’t want to ruin this moment with the grieving family. 

“I’m sorry you felt so alone,” Beth said. Her voice was steady, but her eyes were shining with unshed tears. “I wish I could have helped you.”

_ Y-O-U. W-E-R-E. A. G-O-O-D. S-I-S--  _ the pointer stopped abruptly, and Josh took a heaving breath. “I’m losing steam,” he told Chris. “Fucking shit.”

“I think we’re losing the connection,” Chris said quickly. “Maybe we should put our hands back on.” 

Everyone was quick to do so, and Josh put his hand on top of Chris’s this time, since it took no effort for him to guide Chris’s hand along the board. “Almost done,” Josh said softly.

_ I. L-O-V-E. Y-O-U,  _ Josh spelled out.  _ A-L-W-A-Y-S. _

“Don’t go,” Hannah said. Josh’s face crumpled and he pressed his forehead against Chris’s shoulder. Chris heard the soft snuffling noises as Josh cried. He composed himself a moment later, and pushed the pointer one more time, over to the  _ GOODBYE  _ section on the board. The pointer shook and then flew from the table, eliciting gasps from everyone. 

Melinda burst into tears. Bob put his arm around her, hiding his face in his wife’s hair. Hannah and Beth looked to Chris. He didn’t know what to say. Even though he’d known vaguely what would happen going into it, he was still shaken by what had occurred. The emotions were running high, palpable in the room, and he’d never seen Josh’s parents fall apart like this. It was overwhelmingly painful, and he felt Josh’s absence like a knife.

“I never knew if I believed in ghosts and spirits,” Beth said finally. “But… fuck. He was here, wasn’t he?”

“I knew he would be,” Hannah said. “Mike told me what happened to him. I knew Josh would come back for us, too.”

Bob touched the spirit board with trembling fingers. “My son…” he said softly. “Oh, Joshua.”

“I should, um, go,” Chris said. “I don’t mean to intrude….”

“Stay for dinner,” Melinda said suddenly. “Please, Chris. You’re a part of this family, too. You should stay.”

He glanced at Josh, who nodded. “Yeah, okay. Thank you.”

“No,” Melinda said, looking down at the spirit board. “Thank  _ you _ , Chris.” 

\---

After dinner, Hannah and Beth asked Chris to stay the night. He was hesitant; he hadn’t spent a night away from home in months, and he hadn’t been able to openly talk with Josh all day because he’d been with people. But he couldn’t say no to them, not after everything that had happened. Melinda had said he was part of the family, so he stayed. They let him sleep in Josh’s room. The prospect was a bit terrifying to him, but at least it gave him privacy to speak to Josh. He stayed in Hannah’s room with the twins for several hours, but eventually they all parted ways for bed. Chris got into Josh’s bed, overwhelmed by the scent of him once again. It wasn’t quite as strong this time, and Chris realized with a pang that the time would come when the smell would disappear completely, forever. He turned on his side and startled a little to see Josh nearly nose-to-nose with him.

“Hey,” Chris said in a whisper when he’d recovered from the surprise. “How you doing?”

“Okay,” Josh said. “That was pretty intense today, huh?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your dad cry before,” Chris said. Josh grimaced.

“I know. I hated that. I didn’t want them to feel worse.” He looked discouraged. “This was supposed to make things better. To help them.”

“It did,” Chris said. “It hurt, but it helped. Sometimes you need both.”

“I guess so,” Josh said. His hand drifted to rest on Chris’s arm, slowly rubbing up and down. Chris fought the urge to shiver at the touch. “You did good today, bro. Thanks for being there for my family.”

“Of course,” Chris said. “I love your family. Always have.” He paused. “And they love you, you know? I hope you got that from all of this. You were so, so loved, Josh. I’m sorry you couldn’t always see it before.”

Josh’s eyes met his, and there was that same look in them that he’d had when he’d heard Chris’s voicemail the other day. A thousand indiscernible thoughts flying through his head. Chris wanted to ask him what he was thinking, but before he could even open his mouth, Josh had leaned forward and pressed his lips to Chris’s. His mouth was soft, lips chapped and dry and a little cold, and Chris didn’t even move, let alone reciprocate. The kiss passed in an instant, and Josh pulled back, biting on his bottom lip and seeming nervous.

“What…?” Chris began, no end to the sentence planned. 

“Shh,” Josh said. “Don’t question it. Consider it a thank you.”

“Um,” Chris said dumbly. Josh kissed him again, longer this time, and Chris managed to actually move his mouth. A thought struck him, and he pulled away. “I’m kissing a ghost,” he said. Josh laughed. Chris wanted to kiss him again, but he was confused. “What does this mean?” he asked. “Why are you kissing me?”

“I just said not to question it,” Josh said. “Please, Chris,” he added insistently. Chris nodded slowly. Josh had been through enough for one day; they’d come back to this in the morning, perhaps. What would even happen in the morning? All the tasks had been completed, something had been done for everyone.

Well, he realized, everyone except himself. The odd taste of Josh still on his lips, Chris began to wonder what Josh had in store for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP.  
> i think..... one chapter left, y'all....... this has been Wild and i'm so so appreciative of all your comments and kind words and support. this fic has been quite the experience to write and it's had a strong emotional impact on me, and it seems like on some of you, too. i hope the ending will be satisfying. idk when that's coming, but soon i hope. godspeed, pilgrims.


	10. i'm okay, except when i'm not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things must come to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy. here we are, friends. i've enjoyed seeing all your speculations for how this will end, but here's the real deal. no specific warnings for this chapter, but uh, i cried when i wrote it so. prepare yourself.
> 
> (thank you so much to [laura](http://archiveofourown.org/users/notyourbro/pseuds/notyourbro) for reading this chapter for me and making sure it didn't suck!!)

When morning came, they didn’t talk about the kiss. Josh didn’t bring it up, and Chris was too nervous to do so, even though he had about a hundred questions, most of them variations of “What the heck does this mean?”

Yet he didn’t ask, and he felt he had a good reason. He was well aware of the fact that there was only one person left on Josh’s list before he could move on, and that person was Chris himself. He knew that completing this final task, whatever it was, would mean Josh could, and would, leave. This had been clear all along, since that night, months ago now, when Josh had materialized at the foot of his bed. That didn’t mean he’d come any closer to accepting it, or that he was anywhere near ready for it to occur. 

The thing was, it seemed like Josh  _ was  _ ready to finish things up. Chris could sense it, that Josh was struggling to find the right time to talk to him, tell him whatever he needed to tell him to complete it all. So, of course, Chris decided the best course of action was to make it impossible for Josh to talk to him. Sure, it was a little counterproductive to keep Josh around longer by avoiding interacting with him, but it did work. Chris spent more time with his parents, which they seemed to appreciate. His mother looked less concerned for his health whenever he walked into a room, and his dad said it was good to see him smile every now and again. 

Sam and Ashley also provided excellent ways to avoid Josh. Chris invited them to hang out nearly every day, and the three of them would go to museums and gardens and wander around in bustling public spaces. Josh trailed behind Chris during all of this, not angry, merely resigned. He smiled wearily whenever he caught Chris’s eye. He knew exactly what was going on. Josh was being unusually patient with his best friend’s bullshit. Maybe he was secretly happy for the delay.

But it couldn’t last forever, because one day Sam and Ashley weren’t able to hang out with him and Chris nearly had a meltdown, pacing back and forth after he got off the phone with Sam, who’d apologized for the last-minute cancelation. She and Ashley both had too much to do at school. Josh watched Chris sadly.

“Chris,” he said, voice gentle and placating. “We gotta talk.”

“No,” Chris said. “Whatever you’re about to say, just… don’t say it.”

Josh smiled. He looked tired. “C’mon, bro. It’s time.”

“Why?” Chris said, desperation creeping up on him. He sat on the edge of his bed. “Can’t you just… never tell me whatever it is? Then you won’t move on and we can just stay together, you and me.”

“No can do,” Josh said. “You think I want you to end up a hermit with only a ghost as a friend? That’s not living, Cochise. I need you to live.”

“I needed  _ you  _ to live,” Chris countered. Josh looked stung, but he bowed his head in agreement.

“Fair enough,” he said. “And I’m sorry, Chris. You know I am. But there’s nothing to change it now. And I need to tell you something important. So shut up and listen, okay?”

Chris closed his mouth, though a thousand protests screamed inside him. Josh sat down next to him on the bed and took one of Chris’s hands in both of his. There was a long, aching moment of silence. Josh’s cold fingers traced the back of Chris’s hand.

“There’s a reason,” Josh began, “that you’re the only one who can see or hear or feel me, Chris.”

Chris closed his eyes. Somehow, he felt like he’d known this all along. 

“The reason I came back… I didn’t have unfinished business with everyone else,” Josh continued. “Just you.”

“Then why…?” Chris asked.

“Part of it was me being selfish, as usual,” Josh said with a slight chuckle. “I wasn’t  _ quite  _ ready to leave you. But then I also wanted to make sure you were, you know, gonna be okay. When I was gone. I saw how you were when I first showed up, and I was worried, bro. Seemed like you were gonna fall apart without me.”

“I still feel like I will,” Chris said hoarsely. Josh shook his head, determined.

“No, no, Chris, look at what I’ve helped you to do,” he said. “You’ve reached out to everyone, all our friends. You have a support system. I made sure of that, y’see? You’re gonna be okay. You have to be. And you’ve gotta be there for my sisters. Look out for them, for me.” 

“Josh…” Chris breathed. He was so, so scared of what Josh would say next. So scared of Josh disappearing. 

“Now, as for what I gotta tell you,” Josh said. He took a deep breath. “Oh boy. Okay. Here we go. Chris, I should’ve told you this so long ago. I was stupid, I never said it even though I could have, easily, a hundred times over the years. But I was too afraid.”

“What is it?” Chris asked, though he knew, he’d always known. 

“I love you,” Josh said, the words tumbling out so fast that Josh's tongue tripped over them. “And like -- fuck, how did you say it? Not just like you’re my bro. I’m in love with you, Chris.”

Chris could’ve sworn his heart stopped in his chest. The air felt heavy and thick around them, like a blanket hiding them from the world, just the two of them and Josh’s confession. Josh leaned forward and kissed him, hard and desperate, and Chris kissed him back, feeling tears burning in his eyes. Josh tasted like winter and pennies, and it was unsettling but Chris couldn’t stop, didn’t want to stop kissing Josh even for a moment. Josh’s hand tangled in his hair, the other gripping Chris’s thigh, and Chris sobbed shakily against Josh’s mouth.

“I love you,” Chris said when Josh finally broke the kiss. Their foreheads pressed together, both of them panting. He couldn’t believe he’d finally said those words the way he’d always meant them. Chris had pictured this moment an embarrassing number of times, but never like this. His chest ached with pain and relief all at once. Josh knew. Finally, they both knew.

“I love you,” Josh replied. “I’m so sorry I never told you before, Chris. God, I’m so fucking sorry. When I heard your voicemail… I wish I’d just told you forever ago.”

“Me too,” Chris said. He rested his hand on the nape of Josh’s neck, thumb brushing against the baby-fine hairs there. “We could’ve had so much time.”

“I gave us a little more,” Josh said. “I tried.”

“I know,” Chris said. “I’m so glad you did.”

They sat there, unmoving, and Chris felt increasingly anxious. Was Josh just going to blink out of existence with no warning? He still felt solid and real for now. 

“Are you scared?” Chris asked. Josh frowned slightly.

“I don’t think I am,” he said. “I feel… ready. For whatever’s next.”

“ _ I’m _ scared,” Chris admitted. Josh gripped his hands again, tight and urgent.

“Chris, listen to me. You have to keep going, okay? I know it’s going to be hard, but you can’t give up. You can’t fold in on yourself and lose yourself. Wherever I’m going… I don’t wanna see you there for a long-ass time, got it?” Josh’s voice was thick with emotion. “Promise me you’ll do that, okay?”

“Josh, do you realize how unfair it is to ask me that? Especially after what  _ you _ did?” Chris said.

“I know,” Josh said. “But I'm asking. Please. I know I’ve asked so much of you, but just… do this for me.”

Chris pressed his lips together in a thin line and nodded. “Okay. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Josh said. He exhaled, long and shaky. “You’re gonna be okay. This isn’t goodbye forever, Cochise. Just for a while.”

Tears prickled against Chris’s eyelids, and when Josh pulled him into a long, tight hug, they were both crying. 

“I love you so much,” Josh said. “I’ll see you on the flip side, okay?”

Chris’s eyes were squeezed shut as his face pressed into Josh’s shoulder, but Josh felt thinner, lighter in his arms, and Chris panicked. His chest seized up as he realized this was really it, this was happening, Josh was going to disappear for good and Chris would never, ever see him again, not in this life. 

“I’m not ready,” Chris sobbed, frantic as he held Josh tighter, as if that would make him stay. “Please don’t go, God, I’m not ready yet.” 

“Don’t forget me,” Josh said. His voice sounded far away in Chris’s ears.

“Never,” Chris promised. He felt something, like the faintest whisper of wind passing over him, and then his arms felt empty. He opened his eyes. Josh was gone. 

Chris slid off his bed onto the floor, body shaking with sobs. Loud, noisy ones that he couldn’t control, his chest aching and his head pounding. So loud his parents heard him from downstairs and bounded up into his room, rushing to encircle him, murmuring worried questions and meaningless words of comfort.

“He’s gone,” Chris choked out. “He’s never coming back.”

“I’m so sorry, son,” his father said. “I know it’s hard.”

But he didn’t know the half of it. 

\---

_ EIGHT MONTHS LATER _

 

The crunch of dead leaves on the ground followed Chris as he weaved through the tombstones. The cemetery was fairly deserted that day, only a few other visitors and all of them far away on the other side of the grassy area. Chris found Josh’s grave easily, and he stopped in front of it, staring down at the engraved words. 

_ JOSHUA WASHINGTON _

_ 1994 - 2012  _

_ LOVING BROTHER, SON, AND FRIEND.  _

_ Life is not forever. Love is. _

Beth had chosen the epigraph. It felt more fitting than ever to Chris these days. He sat down on the ground in front of Josh’s grave, giving it a weary smile.

“Hey, bro,” he said quietly. “Long time no see. Sorry I haven’t been down here sooner. It’s been hard. And I’ve been really busy. I know you’d be happy about that.” He leaned back on his hands. “So, it’s been a year since you died. Doesn’t feel like it, not for me anyway. Still got a few months left before it feels like a year to me. We’re having a get-together, me and the rest of the gang. I know it seems a little morbid, getting together on the anniversary, but it’s not like we’re having a party. More like a remembrance. I think it’ll be good. Hard, but good.” He sighed. Somewhere in the distance, a dog barked.

“Anyway,” Chris continued, “I thought I’d catch you up on what’s going on with everyone. Figured you’d be interested. First off, Hannah and Beth and I all took the GED. Beth got the best score, of course. But we all passed, so we’re going to college next semester. Already applied and everything. I’m actually excited about it. Plus, the twins are talking about getting an apartment in the spring. I might room with them. Sam, too.” He smiled. “House full of girls. Oughta be interesting.”

He ran his tongue over his teeth, thinking. “Hmm, what else. Oh, Em and Mike broke up again. I think it’s for good this time though. Probably for the best. Emily got that debate scholarship, and now she’s talking about law school. She’s kind of incredible. Anyway, I think it’ll be good for Mike to be on his own for a while, grow up a little. And don’t worry, I think Hannah’s moving past the crush.” 

He waited as an elderly man walked past him, holding a bouquet of flowers. Chris made a mental note to bring something to leave for Josh next time he visited. “Everyone else, they’re all doing pretty good. I think Matt’s set for some football scholarship, and Jess is talking about doing cheer in college, too. Ashley’s been revising her book like crazy, she says she’s gonna dedicate it to you if she ever publishes. We hang out a lot, me and her and Sam. We all do, actually. Everyone says that it’s thanks to me, that all those things I did saved the group, but it wasn’t me at all. It was you, Josh. What happened… it brought us closer together. Not you dying, I mean all those weird little tasks you made up. Sam was right when she said you were the glue that held us together. I don’t know how long this’ll last through college, but I have a good feeling.”

He stood up, stepping forward to place his hand on Josh’s headstone. “I miss you, man,” he said unsteadily. “Still miss you every goddamn day. I think I always will. But I’m sticking to my promise. I’m living. I’m trying to be okay. And sometimes I am.” He closed his eyes, taking a calming breath. “Lemme tell you, though. I can’t wait to see you again. I hope it’s nice where you are. I hope you know we’re all still thinking of you. That I’m still thinking of you.” He swallowed hard. “And that I love you. God, I hope you know that.”

The few leaves remaining in the trees rustled. For the briefest of moments, Chris felt something surround him, something like the ghost of warmth, an embrace that was not really there. The air smelled like winter and copper, and Chris smiled. A feather-light brush against his cheek, and then the sensations were gone. Chris opened his eyes, nodding down at Josh’s grave. He turned away, ready to head back home and prepare for an evening with his friends. An evening of grief at the loss of a dear friend, but also one in celebration of all he’d brought to their lives in his time with them. A night where they could remember all he’d done for them, and how much they loved him. 

The leaves crunched underfoot. Chris felt almost peaceful. His heart swelled with love.

Josh knew. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s a wrap, gang. I want to sincerely thank every one of you for reading this and leaving all your comments because omg I got a lot. This story has been Something Else, I’ll tell ya that. It’s definitely the angstiest thing I’ve written in a long time, and I hope that even though the ending was sad, you still enjoyed it, and you got some semblance of peace. I tried to give Chris that much, anyway. One thing I tried very hard to do with this story was discuss suicide in a way that was not idealizing it or romanticizing it. It’s a tragic, painful subject that can be hard to represent in writing. I’ve nearly lost friends to it, and I know from the comments that some of you have struggled with it as well. If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or self harming, I’ve included some links below to resources that can be of some help. I hope what you got from this story (besides wanting to fight me, which, you know, is fair) is that you are loved even when you don’t realize it, and there is so much left to do, whether it’s help a buddy ace a debate or tell your best friend you’re in love with him. 
> 
> Sorry for getting mushy as hell oops, finishing this just gave me a lot of Feelings. Keep an eye out for more gay shit by yours truly, probably happier next time lmao. Thanks for reading. <3 
> 
>  
> 
> [suicidepreventionlifeline.org](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)  
> [imalive.org](https://www.imalive.org/)  
> [self harm alternatives](http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/%20)


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